The Importance Of Critical Thinking Skills In The Age Of Trump

"If a thing can be done adequately by means of one, it is superfluous to do it by means of several; for we observe that nature does not employ two instruments where one suffices (Thomas Aquinas 1945, p. 129)."
Yes, I just quoted Thomas Aquinas right off the bat. You're welcome, freshman philosophers.

One of my major battles if you will in life, as a writer, a lifestyle consultant and coach and a free thinker has always been to help people to engage their senses of logic and reason and to challenge and assist them in so doing. Whether they be my clients or simply people I happen to be having discussions with during the course of my day, this is something I try to encourage. The opening of one's mind does not come with little to no effort or by believing in that in which we want to believe. Some truths are inconvenient, yet becoming aware of them still serves us well. Awareness is key.

But how do we know what to believe and what not to believe? We live in a country and in a moment in time in which our free and fair elections seem to be under attack. It comes as no surprise, then, to know that public information is also under attack. Fact is under attack, in large part, due to the dissemination of false news from sketchy sources. That is why it is vitally important, now more than ever, that we stay vigilant and sharpen our own cognitive skill sets. A dull blade is a tough instrument to use to cut through the knots and tangles of misinformation which is usually inevitably wrapped around a core of truth.

Since first setting foot in a college classroom where my world changed and my mind was opened to the many and varied opportunities available for those with open minds and critical thinking skills, I have been fascinated with the capabilities of the human mind. We as humans have such a powerful tool at our disposal. Since then, I have made it my mission to sharpen my mind. I have made it my mission to challenge my own personal beliefs and to use reasoned argument and logic to develop and hone a purposefully logical and comprehensive worldview. I know that many of you have done the same. It is however nearly impossible for those who do not have the necessary critical thinking skills and capabilities at their disposal to do this and sadly, many folks who don't possess these basic skills therefore do not realize their importance. 

The human mind seeks to make connections. That's just the way it's built. It seeks to connect that which is seemingly disconnected, but how does it know which facts and experiences are connected and which aren't? Without sharp critical thinking and deductive reasoning skills, it simply doesn't. Enter the conspiracy theorist. I have had my fair share of contact with folks like these. I always do my best to approach them with compassion and respect when making suggestions that challenge their world views. I try to stay away from assailing them with facts they will never know or care to know when dealing with people who aren't interested. What I do is attempt to provide some structured, unbiased tools for them to use to examine their beliefs, tools which I myself use, and to listen to them and understand why they have adopted these beliefs and what motivates that sort of thinking.  It's easy to berate others for disagreeing with us. It's hard, however, to accept someone else's differing point of view and approach it with respect. Sadly, in today's world, challenging other peoples' beliefs can be taken as an offense or an indictment on that person's character. This is a response that goes hand in hand with emotional thinking. When someone challenges our beliefs, we often bypass the obvious fact that it is simply that particular belief that is up for discussion and that such dialogue is not an indictment upon our character or our very right to exist. In responding to people whose viewpoints seem to have been skewed by false information, false news sources and the like, I have found that there is generally no easy way to have that discussion. We each believe that our ideas are right because we've thought of them and because we know what the factual landscape around us looks like. It is critically important, however, that each and every one of us challenge that assumption on a daily basis. One of my go-to tools in that particular fight is Occam's Razor. We will discuss that concept further. First, however, I'd like to share with you a recent social media comment I made in response to a gentleman who has stated that though numerous vetted fact gathering and reporting entities in the United States have reached a certain conclusion about election interference during this past election cycle, he chooses not to believe the information at hand. The reasoning I've seen many people use when dismissing information they don't like out of hand has been characteristically and unequivocally murky. It usually sounds something like this: "I don't believe anything written in the paper"/"I don't believe anything I see on the news." 

While I'm certainly not here to put this gentleman on blast or to call him out, I do happen to think that this particular exchange serves as one of many recent great examples from my own interactions of emotional versus logical thinking and the pitfalls that come along with it. 

 So here goes...this is my response:

Why are you having trouble with that? When it comes to situations like these [whether Russia intervened on behalf of President-Elect Trump, in this case], we've got to look at the facts that are coming in. Would you agree that it is the CIA and FBI and the other 14 intelligence agencies' jobs to collect information? If so, let's examine the information at hand and use Occam's Razor to cut away with any personally biased judgments. It's so easy to construct stories in our own minds that fit with what we already believe. The problem with that is that when we're reading unsourced or manufactured material written by folks who have their own biases and may not have the education in ethics in journalism and reporting, we're adopting their skewed judgments and their confirmation biases. I agree that the MSM gave Donald Trump too much coverage before the election and Bernie hardly any, but their stories cannot be published if they're not properly sourced. That would be a violation of journalistic ethics and integrity. That's why we hear about such violations here and there coming to light (Brian Williams would be a good example, here) when credentialed journalists write and broadcast things which are not true. That's also why we don't hear about folks who write blogs from Mom's basement getting in trouble for ethics violations. They are not credentialed journalists. When I write for certain publications, I am expected to uphold a certain standard and to source all of my information and it is expected that those sources be credible and provable. I could avoid that burden altogether if I wanted to simply blog about my opinions (I do also blog about my opinions, but I always source that material and do painstaking research as well). I could probably make a really good case right now based on conjecture both that Russia was involved and that it wasn't. I could use my own writing skills and my confirmation bias to construct and promote realistic sounding conspiracy theories and you wouldn't know what my motivations were because you wouldn't even have any information about who I am or why I'm qualified to address such topics, let alone where my information was coming from. Conspiracy theories and biased theories are based on conjecture with facts sprinkled in, often to misdirect or skew things to the writer or broadcaster's personal perspective or agenda. Sometimes these stories are purposely skewed, other times the writer or broadcaster is simply sloppy and unprofessional. 

 Please, please do yourself a favor and utilize Occam's Razor every single time you read one of these posts. Please do the same when you're considering your own world views. I had to make some uncomfortable adjustments to my world views recently and I had to use facts, logic and again, the 

scientist's, psychologist's, physicist's, logician's and philosopher's old friend Occam's Razor. Please do the same. I'm not going to tell you what to think or believe, but I'd sure like to introduce some tools that will allow you to do that.

Long response? Sure. Necessary? I certainly think so. 

 I think that the concept behind this particular comment is something we all need to consider. It goes far beyond the friend I was addressing on social media when I constructed it. Without going into an agonizing amount of detail, I will attempt to provide the basic premise of Occam's Razor. Occam's Razor was initially a tool utilized by physicists to try to suss out correct information and correct interpretation and discard that which was incorrect. Occam's Razor is about relying on facts rather than inferences, though for those of us who use it in its capacity as a critical thinking tool, it is often very helpful in allowing us to make correct inferences and to infer correct connections between facts. 

"Rudiments or principles must not be unnecessarily multiplied (entia praeter necessitatem non esse multiplicanda)”

-Immanuel Kant

  

Occam's Razor is a fantastic tool. It suggests that the most likely truth in any situation is the truth that is the simplest and that when we've discarded that which is less likely to be true, we are in fact left with the truth, which should be used as tier one for any strategy, argument or worldview that we're constructing. This is an important tool for anyone at all to have, but doubly so for someone who chooses to disseminate information. Occam's Razor is non-biased. It has no agenda. Occam's Razor does not seek to disprove false information. That's not an appropriate tactic as is, since the burden of proof is and should always be upon those making claims and not those refuting them. 

From Newton's "Three Rules of Philosophy:"

"Rule I: We are to admit no more causes of natural things than such as are both true and sufficient to explain their appearances."

Let's Examine:

 Lets look at three different basis for the same argument and determine which is appropriate and which is not based on fact and probability. The claim here is going to be that you have just told me that your pet has gone missing. Pretty basic and easy to understand, right?

 1) You tell me me that you've just been petting your cat and that s/he has up and disappeared. You can't find her anywhere. If you're asking for my logical input and my help on the matter, I'm not going to have all of the facts at my disposal. For instance, you say you've been petting your cat, but I have no information to support or refute that. I can't prove, for instance, that you didn't just pet your cat if you claim to have done so, nor can I prove that you did. You could be telling the truth just as easily as you could be misremembering or embellishing your story for one reason or another. I simply can't be sure. If I were a detective, I couldn't help you to find your cat based

 only on the information you've given me. You have no idea where your cat is or why, nor do I. The only information I have to go on is hearsay that cannot be proven. I also have the added burden in this situation of not even knowing whether or not your claim of having just seen your cat is true (since you claim to have been petting him/her just now). 

“Nature is pleased with simplicity, and affects not the pomp of superfluous causes”

--Sir Isaac Newton 

(Newton 1972, p. 398)

2)If you say you've petted your cat and I'm not present and have no information about you or your cat, I cannot refute that. However, if you tell me that your cat has gone missing and you've just been petting your pet purple dinosaur, which you think may have eaten your cat, I can reasonably assume that you have not been petting your dinosaur and that your dinosaur has not eaten your cat, as dinosaurs no longer exist. To base any further argument on your claim of having a purple dinosaur in your possession as a pet and having been petting that dinosaur and further, that the dinosaur may have in fact eaten your cat is ludicrous and I can reasonably dismiss any further claims or stories based upon your initial statement about having or petting a purple dinosaur in the first place. This claim can be dismissed and should not be used to build any further information on since it's clearly untrue. Just like a building, an argument cannot be built upon a faulty foundation. 

“Nature does not multiply things unnecessarily; that she makes use of the easiest and simplest means for producing her effects; that she does nothing in vain, and the like” 

--Galileo

(Galileo 1962, p. 397)

Another sort of sketchy argument that can arise is when current claims that can neither be proven nor disproven are used to lay the groundwork for further claims. Oftentimes such claims seem reasonable, but that does not mean that they're true. Many factors can influence the articulation of such claims, including misremembering, being in possession of wrong information, embellishment or outright lying. Going back to the simple premise we just used, if you claim that you've 

 petted your cat and then structure your argument around said action despite the fact that nobody witnessed you petting your cat, that argument may seem believable (certainly more believable than the dinosaur story), but it is inherently flawed since the basis of the claim being made absolutely cannot be proven. If you had timestamped video footage of you petting your cat, which you shared with me, that would be one thing, but for arguments' sake, let's assume that you don't. Your claim may seem reasonable, but it cannot be proven, therefore we must not use that information to build further arguments from. One cannot reasonably assume that petting your cat was the last thing you were doing before your cat disappeared, 

 since there is no evidence to back that claim. You could have misremembered the order in which you were performing various tasks before your cat went missing, you could be embellishing your story or you could be outright lying. This is a faulty foundation and any argument built upon it will topple. Problems arise when people still cling to such arguments well after they have been proven to be false. Having an emotional connection to a specific worldview is great in certain ways. It's great for human empathy and compassion which are necessary and vital to the human condition. However, using emotion rather than logic to determine what you're going to believe when it comes to concrete information such as news stories, political events, world events, scientific phenomena (i.e. global warming) is dangerous. It is dangerous because you will be building upon that faulty foundation to construct an entirely false narrative and a problematic worldview as well as the erosion of our dearly held rights as citizens of this world.

 "If all of chemistry can be explained in a satisfactory manner without the help of phlogiston, that is enough to render it infinitely likely that the principle does not exist, that it is a hypothetical substance, a gratuitous supposition. It is, after all, a principle of logic not to multiply entities unnecessarily."

--Lavoisier

 (Lavoisier 1862, pp. 623–4).

 3)The third sort of basic premise might look something like this: 

 You claim that you petted your cat at 1:30pm for two minutes and you have provided me with  timestamped video to show that you were doing just that. You claim that your cat moved out of your field of vision at 1:32pm as the video ended and that it went missing shortly afterward. This claim is easily proven. I can watch your video and see the time stamp. I can now reasonably base the rest of my understanding about the situation you've described upon the facts that have been given. This claim is simple, concise, it can easily be proven and it cannot be disproven in any way. 

"[T]he grand aim of all science…is to cover the greatest possible number of empirical facts by logical deductions from the smallest possible number of hypotheses or axioms"

--Albert Einstein

 (Einstein, quoted in Nash 1963, p. 173).

Of course, you may encounter folks who have such a predisposition to their own view of things that even showing them a timestamped video will not sway their opinions. These folks might say things like "this video has been altered" in light of zero facts to suggest that being anywhere near true. They might then expect you to prove that the video has not been altered. These people are essentially conspiracy theorists, whether they aimed to go that route or not. It's easy to be sucked into conspiracy theorist rhetoric as it is often based on conjecture, with facts sprinkled in, as I mentioned before. Occam's Razor is a tool that will help you to guard against falling prey to that sort of mentality. Although I'd love to discuss which news outlets broadcast verifiable  information and which are known not to, that's not what this post is about. This post is simply about providing unbiased tools to all of us so that we can use those tools to make our own inferences and to make our correct and factually supported conclusions. 

More examples of biased conspiracy theorist rhetoric versus much more likely, fact-based information:

 •The claim that 9/11 was not caused by terrorists and was a controlled explosion:

  Even if what happened reasonably could have been the result of a controlled explosion (and I'm not suggesting that's true), we have to use our deductive reasoning skills and Occam's Razor to determine the following: is it more likely that the US would blow up its own citizens in a controlled explosion for various murky reasons or is it more likely that the threat of an air attack on the United States which had been foreshadowed in formerly confidential Presidential intelligence briefings by a group [Al Qaeda] that hates the United States developed into something very real that ended up actually happening, particularly when Osama bin Laden, leader of said group claimed credit for it? One can reasonably expect that point A led to point B which then led to point C and that the latter argument is the most likely argument to be true. Will we encounter emotional arguments based on murky logic and a few errant, liberally altered facts? Absolutely. It is our job, however, to do a bit of a mental tidy in order to guard against adopting such flawed logic. 

•President Obama wasn't born in the United States: This conspiracy theory should've been easily put to rest when the President introduced his birth certificate to the public. Is it more likely that President Obama had an elaborate forgery pre-made knowing that he would one day ascend to the office of President of the United States of America or is it a more reasonable assumption that he simply showed us his real birth certificate because he was actually born here? Clearly, the less convoluted theory is the latter. 

•President Obama is a Muslim: Not that it matters of course, but after years of evidence of The President going to various churches and espousing Christian values and Christians viewpoints and actually telling us what his religious beliefs were and that they aligned with Christianity, would it be reasonable to assume that The President is in fact a Christian or would it be more reasonable to assume that he's conducting an elaborate ruse (for what reason? Not that the reason particularly matters as this argument just doesn't hold water)? Clearly the former is much more likely to be true, given the firsthand information at our disposal. 

"The main thing that I learned about conspiracy theory, is that conspiracy theorists believe in a conspiracy because that is more comforting. The truth of the world is that it is actually chaotic. The truth is that it is not The Iluminati, or The Jewish Banking Conspiracy, or the Gray Alien Theory. 

The truth is far more frightening - Nobody is in control. 

The world is rudderless."

--Alan Moore

Most conspiracy theories are not in fact true. Why then do we believe in so many of them? Could it be that the human imagination is simply that active? Oftentimes, there's an emotional reward of some kind is involved. Sometimes it simply makes us feel superior--purist. Conspiracy theories have been known to knit entire groups of people together. Unfortunately those groups quickly become cult-like in their mentality. Anyone who is an outsider "just doesn't get it" or "won't open their eyes." They're being "manipulated by the lizard people" (I'm not being derisive here--that's an actual belief that some folks hold), they're being led by some nefarious group. A word that you'll hear a lot in conspiracy theorist circles is "they." You'll hear the term "that's what 'they' want you to think." This is a convenient way to deflect from having to argue facts. It is my hope that after perusing this post and looking into Occam's Razor and hopefully after reexamining some of our own personal views (nothing wrong with reexamining them in a different light if we feel they hold water, right?) we might go forth into this world being more prepared and more armed with knowledge and fact. 

Thanks for taking a gander and feel free to look over my source information below!

Sources:

On Occam's Razor:

 What is Occam's Razor?:

University of California:

http://math.ucr.edu/home/baez/physics/General/occam.html

Encyclopedia Brittanica:

https://www.britannica.com/topic/Occams-razor

Occam's Razor and Philosophy:

University of Tennessee:

http://www.iep.utm.edu/ockham/

Stanford University on Occam's Razor and Ontological Parsimony:

https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/simplicity/

Help Stop Sexist Hate Speech

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An interesting thing happened when I got up just now to get my midnight natural remedy tea...

I was disturbed and disheartened to see a gentleman on a female friend's facebook page (no names) casually slinging around terms like cunt in reference to women and in the same breath, talking about how nice he was and how women owe men like him a chance because he's such a "nice guy," saying, essentially, that if women weren't all sluts and whores, that they would see how nice he was. Can you say irony? How is calling women sluts, whores and cunts nice?

Friends, placing value judgments on other people's' perceived sexual preferences, choices and perceived quality and frequency of said choices is not acceptable. As Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, "my right to swing my fist ends where your nose begins." Statements like these are most definitely a swinging of the fist.

Slut shaming women (or men or anyone of any gender) is not okay and statements like these are quite literally a way of swinging one's fist at someone else's nose. Other peoples' choices are their right to make and making a [likely uninformed] judgment about said choices is not acceptable. The only one who has the right to make judgments in this scenario is the individual making their own choices in the first place. Women (and folks of all genders) have complete autonomy and should be treated accordingly. To make value judgments on women (or anyone) because we disapprove of who they are spending their own private time with is not okay. To assume that women in particular owe anyone a chance to sleep with them; to use sex as currency--as a reward for fake niceness (or real niceness for that matter) is abhorrent.


Sadly, this isn't even close to the first time I've witnessed something like this. It's 2016, folks, let's start acting like adults. It's time to start acting like self-aware human beings and treating others as such.

Thankfully, I was raised by a strong, confident man who had the utmost respect for women and for human beings in general and who worked tirelessly to fight for the protection of other people's' rights. That is one reason out of many why I take such exception to statements like these--thought processes like these--and why I can't let these statements stand without doing my best to call out the people who still feel comfortable making them and to bring public attention to this particular issue. I would never have been allowed to speak that way about anyone of any gender while growing up and I know my Dad would've  been extremely disappointed with me had I ever spoken about another human being in such a fashion.

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This particular instance is far from uncommon. Unfortunately, I witness the expression of sentiments like these on a near daily basis (and I'll be expanding upon this subject soon, so stay tuned).

I don't know what everyone else's home lives and personal backgrounds are, but if you did not have the kind of supportive figure I did looking out for you while growing up, please allow me to act as such for the time being when I tell you that this is not okay and that I know you can be better and do better than this.

I know it's easy to blame other people for our own perceived shortcomings.

It's easy to feel slighted when people point out things we've said or done that are hurtful or upsetting or that degrade ourselves and others.

It's easy to feel condemned when people point these things out. I get it. And that makes us feel defensive and angry.

But...

Please do your best to move past that reactive mentality and to hear the substance of the message being delivered.

I'm happy to be the messenger in cases like these when appropriate and I can tell you that I am not here to condemn you or tell you that you're a bad human or that you're undeserving of respect.

But I am here to let you know that what you're saying is not okay and I'm taking the time to do that because I know that we all say things from time to time that we regret or that we have heard others say or that simply feel good for us to say at the time, while knowing all the while that these things are not in fact okay to say, possibly not okay to think and when that bad thing has passed our lips, often times we immediately feel horribly for it. I understand that. We all understand that. That's why it's so important to own up to that fact. It's okay to say "I'm sorry. I was wrong." Most people will be very understanding of such a situation. Others might still have unpleasant feelings about what was said and that's okay. What matters is that we take ownership, that we take responsibility for our words and for our actions. I'm here to stand up for myself and others, but I'm also here to stand up for you and to remind you that you are capable of being better than this. I'm here to help you to take responsibility when you've said or done something hurtful or inappropriate and I pledge to continue to do the same in my own life. I'm here to do this because I'm a woman. I'm here to do that because the person who gave birth to me is a woman. I'm here to do that because I care--about you and about me. I'm here to do that because staying silent when I hear hate speech does not resonate with the deepest parts of my spirit.

This is an issue many women including myself have had to face many times in life and will have to face many more, and facing it as someone who does not come from a background of privilege allows me-and all of us as women to see this matter from a personal perspective as well as a social one.

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It is my hope that if words such as these have ever passed or come close to passing your lips--or if these words have passed the lips of those around you, you will choose to step up and join me in doing the same. It is my hope that you will choose to step up and join me in making a change when you encounter hate speech and it's accompanying actions. I hope that you will stand for something better--something more than the reactionary use and perpetuation of dangerous and hurtful stereotypes and institutional and personal sexism and hate and the language and actions that accompany it. It is my hope that you will stand up and say enough is enough when you see a fist benign swung in the vicinity of someone else's nose.

Join me in holding yourself to a higher standard.

Join me in providing the choice to others around you to do the same.

*I'd also like to invite my readers to check out the whole series of Angru Jack videos, two of which, I've posted in above links. I find these videos to be incredibly informative regarding the state of mind that people who think and speak to women in the above ways often struggle with.

Gravity Film Review

*In honor of this beautiful film, I have added extra large graphics to this blog post.

After seeing Gravity again, I was taken with the urgent need to review it. I truly believe that Gravity is one of the best movies ever made. Its certainly one of the best and most intense cinematic experience you'll ever have, should you care to watch it. Check it out and let me know what you think. If you have to have all of your storytelling laid out for you in explicit "this is what character A thinks and feels now" terms, this movie may not be for you. Its mature, abstract, layered, deep and there are lots of panoramic and wide shots

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 with only a few spare close up reaction shots that are very conservative and extremely well done. The special effects appear very minimal, though truly they're not. It honestly looks as if this movie was filmed in space.
 Sandra Bullock does all of the acting here on her own with just a little bit of help from George Clooney. Her physical performance is absolutely stunning and awe inspiring. She acted in conditions that mimicked zero gravity and did so like a professional astronaut. Zero gravity is hard. You're flailing around with no control. NASA could probably employ her if she ever decided to give up acting. There is this beautiful sequence in Gravity where Sandra Bullock is curled up like a fetus waiting to be born from inside of the space station that will absolutely take your breath away. She deserves an Oscar for her performance in this movie, unquestionably. This is one of the best acting performances I have ever seen.

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 The best part about this movie is that it is not about space at all. It is about the human spirit and the vagaries of fate and how we deal with them. Why does one character live while others die? Why does Dr. Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock)'s daughter die in a freak accident when her mother is left to mourn her passing, continuing to outlive her? Why does that rope catch Ryan's foot and not Kowalski's? And finally, how do we deal with these instances of happenstance and why? Why do some move on while others stay stagnant? When and why does that switch flip within us? Why and how does that flame go out or reignite? There is a real beauty here for those who care to see it, and that is the beauty that lies within that moment in which we decide not to be distracted by those questions anymore and to simply live life and stand in our power. There is a beauty within the moment in which we decide to break free of the chains that bind us to our sense of what should and shouldn't happen, what is and isn't proper and that forever asked question,

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"when will I die?" That is where the real beauty lies. And
 there is an answer there for those who care to think on it, and that answer is "today." It is always today. It will always be today.

The Problem With "Nice Guys™"

The Problem With Nice Guys™

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 For years, we have been told as women that we should find ourselves a nice guy. What's wrong with that, you might ask. After all, niceness is a virtue. I agree of course. Genuine niceness is a virtue. Having nice people in your life can be a great blessing, but niceness is not the only quality one should seek out in a friend and it's certainly not the only quality one should look for in a potential dating partner and there is an astoundingly stark difference between real niceness and niceness which is put on in order to affect a certain outcome. It has been drummed into us as women via problematic tv and movie tropes, but it doesn't stop there. I would argue that its been present since the invention of the play. The idea of settling for the nice guy regardless of our level of interest has been drummed into women since the beginning of patriarchal society itself. Of course no one is attracted to someone else based solely on their level of niceness. That being said, actual niceness isn't what we're talking about here. The NiceGuy™ isn't actually nice (or if he is, his affectations are not particularly genuine when it comes to women). So without further ado, let's get into the meat and potatoes of the dreaded "NiceGuy™" syndrome.

The Nice Guy ™ 

  This guy has a heart of gold (in their own estimation) and they'll kill every last person on this earth prove it to you, because they're fucking nice, goddamnit and fuck you and your little dog if you don't think so! The poor, plucky, overlooked NiceGuy™ just keeps putting himself out there only to be crushed by all of those evil, evil women (or men) that they date. This dater has no concern for your likes, dislikes, wants, needs, emotions or life situation. To them, dating is about one thing and one thing only: being acknowledged/not being alone while simultaneously benefitting from a transactional process wherein they receive admiration, validation and of course "the sex."

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•To this dater, you are simply a warm body for them to use as needed when having someone good looking, kind or in a pinch, having someone with a pulse who breathes suits their needs.
•The Nice Guy™ feels he should be rewarded for not being a jerk and for acting with a modicum of respect and decency (even false respect and decency). The Nice Guy™ wants a great big feminist cookie for not raping, beating, mistreating or otherwise taking advantage of the current woman of the moment, and why not, when deep down, the Nice Guy™ harbors a deeply flawed and an inherently misogynistic worldview.
•The Nice Guy™ rarely acts with dignity and self respect around the woman or women he's interested in at any given time. Rather than letting the wo/man he's interested in know that he's interested and know exactly what he's interested in and why and allowing the wo/man the agency and ability to make that decision, he follows his target around like a puppy dog, wheedling and worming his way into her life any way he can, but not genuinely caring about anything his target thinks, says or does because all the Nice Guy™ is interested in is filling his own shallow, selfish needs. 

•Nice Guys™ live lives within a constant cycle of ups and downs based on who is giving them attention at the moment. They move from one crush to the next to the next and if the woman (or man) in question dares not to be interested in them, they're evil, horrible and awful and the Nice Guy™ no longer wants to go through the hassle of playing nice and, ugh, listening to her problems and, blech, being kind and caring if he knows he's not going to get anything out of it. The Nice Guy™ will promptly decide at this point that it's you who are at fault, even if you've simply let him know that you're not available at this time or that you just don't think you'd be a good fit. The Nice Guy™ actually feels on some level that it is your honor bound duty to give him something in exchange for the gigantic favor he's done you by being "nice." After all, how likely is it in a world of jerks and players that you're going to find another guy as "nice" as him? If you're interested in someone else other than the Nice Guy™, regardless of how nice the guy you're interested in is, the Nice Guy™ will blame you for falling for some jerk rather than allowing the Nice Guy™ to woo you with his sweet, soft, gooey center of "niceness."
•If the Nice Guy™ finds someone more willing than you, you will of course be set on the back burner and you shouldn't complain. After all, his niceness is only genuine when it's convenient for him or when he's dealing with the hot woman of the moment that his wandering eye is on. 

  •In their own mind, the nice guy/gal ™ is a regular Cyrano DeBergerac. They are poetic, romantic, lovely and engaging, yet shy, deep and, lest we forget--nice. If only this dater were to find that perfect someone who doesn't complain, never tells them they're wrong and who gives them a chance even when the nice guy/gal ™ is clearly not the person they're interested in's cup of tea. 

  •It follows that this dater is selfish, ignorant and self-obsessed in rather an ugly, shadow aspect way.

Photo Credit 

•When a woman tells the NiceGuy™ no thanks or appears otherwise disinterested in him, the NiceGuy™ is thankfully able to trot out the convenient excuse that "all women (this excuse really is specific just to women) prefer jerks/bad boys" in order to avoid any introspection or the potential that they might have to take actual responsibility for their part in the interaction or worse yet, that they might have to acknowledge that said woman actually isn't interested in them all on the NiceGuy™'s own merit when it has absolutely nothing to do with that woman wanting a bad boy. This sort of lazy excuse making and avoidance is stubborn, immature and short sighted and sadly it's used by men who may actually have some degree of niceness tucked away somewhere. This line of thinking is also extremely misogynistic as it immediately discards the notion that the woman, of her own free will and barring any outside influences has actually decided that she simply isn't interested in the NiceGuy™ and happens to have the wherewithal and confidence to know that she has every right to choose who she does and doesn't talk to, date, have sex with, open up to or spend time with. 

  •Since everything is always about the NiceGuy™, any rejection, either real or perceived will be forever written into Mr. Nice Guy™'s personal narrative as well as their narrative about you and about the female sex at large. 

  •It is important to note that the selfishness of this dater is usually unintentional, but stems from a lack of emotional maturity and an appropriate locus of control in addition to the obvious factor here, which is misogyny and a patriarchal worldview. This doesn't mean that you can or should attempt to fix them, as that in and of itself is an inherently disrespectful and useless way to view and to deal with people. What you should do is make note of this and feel sorry for them if you're able. This type of dater (the NiceGuy™) will never find true happiness until they grow up and learn to take real responsibility for their actions and start working on genuine self-improvement instead of blaming others for their problems. It is important to remember that being genuinely nice and being nice simply because you expect a reward are NOT the same thing.

*The good news is that those who are suffering from Nice Guy™ syndrome are completely able to change that state of affairs. Some simple ways to do this are to:

•Check your unhealthy thoughts. When you start thinking about women as objects or attributing characteristics to women at large (i.e. bitches be crazy), you need to remind yourself or have someone you trust remind you that this is an unhealthy and untrue way of thinking. Instead of blaming a diverse and vibrant cross section of people for something unpleasant you feel you've experienced with one person, you can give yourself an internal reality check. Some good questions to ask during this reality check are:


  •What could I have done differently during this interaction?

  •Was the person in question being honest upfront and genuine with me? If so, why does that make me angry/upset?

  •Did I actively listen to what the wo/man in question had to say? Did I otherwise allow this person's actions to tell me something valuable rather than simply being angry and not giving them any consideration?

 •Am I ignoring signals that have been sent my way?

 • Do I care about this person in a genuine and deep manner?

•What draws me to this person?

•Do I have anything in common with this person?

•Is there any reason this person should be interested in me barring my "niceness?"

•Why am I interested in the person? If lots of women were falling all over me right now, what would set this particular person apart for me?
•Many people may be interested in this person. Why should they pick me?
•Am I looking for someone to be on my arm and fill my needs, or am I looking for another fully developed individual to get to know, be there for and allow to be there for me?

•Have I been fully present during any and all interactions with this person? If so, what is their body language telling me about their level of potential interest?
•Am I able to distinguish signs of being uncomfortable from signs of genuine interest? Women are often taught to act demurely and nicely and to let men down easily. It can be a very uncomfortable situation indeed for a woman to have to field interest from someone who is being too familiar with her or isn't getting the picture that she's not interested.

•Does the person in question seek out interactions with me (a work associate, client or customer might HAVE to seek out interactions with you and the things you're interpreting as signs of interest could actually be signs of embarrassment and extreme  signs of being uncomfortable--blushing, looking away, angling their feet or body away from you, smiling and looking away, rubbing at their face, scratching something, a nervous smile or pursed lips, tucking the hair behind the ear, etc.)?

•Am I making this person uncomfortable?

•Have I been 100% straightforward, upfront and honest with this person about my intentions?

•Have I given this person the opportunity to say either "yes" or "no" to having me in their life without trying to influence the situation in a transactional manner (i.e. giving them things, doing things for them, complimenting them and otherwise trying to ingratiate myself to them)?

•Are the things I've said or done with this person two-sided (i.e. allowing this person to pick the subject of discussion once in awhile, allowing this person to reach out to me now and again, allowing this person to be there for me, hang out with me, etc.) or am I engaging in transactional, one-sides behaviors like gift giving, giving inappropriate or too personal compliments, making misogynistic observations (i.e. "smile," "a beautiful girl like you shouldn't cry," "[insert cheesy, impersonal pickup line here]"), jumping to do favors, take her/him out and "impress" them, "help" with things, etc.?

•If this wo/man rejects me, will I still think they're worthy of my friendship without thought of a future sex or dating relationship?

•If this person isn't interested in me, am I capable of moving on or will I start hounding them again at the first whiff of desperation and/or perceived "loneliness" on their part?

•Is acting in a way that gives away my power and dignity helping me in any way?

•Do wo/men enjoy being hounded, harassed, or bothered by someone who is pretending to be their friend in order to get something from them? Would I enjoy being treated that way by someone else?

•Am I really in search of friendship or am I looking for something else?

•What does real friendship mean to me? What might it mean to them?

•Am I acting like a true friend?

•Could my behavior be construed as irritating, annoying or harassing?

•Is it likely that this person knows I'm interested?

•Has this person said anything to me about loving me like a brother, only wanting to be friends, not being interested in a relationship at this time or not being sexually attracted to me? If so, am I respecting that, or am I waiting around for potential future opportunities and inherently not respecting their boundaries and being dishonest to them by doing so?

•What behaviors, limiting thoughts and actions can I change in order to be more genuine and true to my true self, my true wants, needs and desires? How can I reflect those things honestly and respectfully to those around me including the person I am interested in? What might be gained if I do? What might be lost if I don't? 

"Maggie" Movie Review

"Maggie" Movie Review

                                                   (Credit: Credit)

Let me preface this review by saying that I have had my share of doubts over the years about Arnold Schwarzenegger's acting talent and style. Wait...did I just say "doubts"? Because let's be honest, I basically fucking knew-as did around 99.999% of the population that Mr. Schwarzenegger's success was at best a fluke and at worst a cruel, cruel joke being played over and over again upon an unsuspecting and sometimes undeserving public.
But...and here's where shit gets weird...since his return to the big screen after his stint as governator (can we all just please forget that in all of its sinister implications, icky revelations and lackluster "glory"?), I have glimpsed a side of Arnold Schwarzenegger that I was previously loathe to believe could've possibly existed. Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger has been hiding this side of himself from public knowledge, and here I am today testifying in the court of public opinion to the fact that it does actually exist! Arnold Schwarzenegger is a terrific actor!
 Arnold Schwarzenegger has apparently been woefully underestimated and horribly miscast for the past forty odd years. He is indeed, actually, a very talented actor. I am in complete and total awe at Arnold Schwarzenegger's acting capabilities. My world has been torn asunder! Down is up and up is down. The wolf is lying with the proverbial lamb, the leopard with the goat and all that other happy biblical shit. I actually saw an award worthy performance from both Mr. Schwarzenegger and Abigail Breslin in a small film festival movie called "Maggie" and the feeling won't leave me alone. This movie touched my heart. Truly. Both Schwargzenegger and Breslin were terrific, their performances outstandingly nuanced and visually beautiful to boot. In fact, the whole movie was visually beautiful as well as emotionally touching.

(Credit) 

                                         (Credit)

 Several critics beat up on this particular movie a bit because it wasn't gory and violent enough for them to consider it a true zombie/post-apocalyptic thriller, but those people are probably the type that have only been reviewing Tarantino and Rodriguez films for the past two decades and have forgotten that although violence can be a useful tool, especially in genre and sub-genre films, there isn't often anything more to said movies. We have become lost in a world of cheap thrills, hypnotized by the possibility of being able to sit for two hours in a dark room and feel, but not think. A point can however be made in a movie without said moviemakers beating the audience over the head with constant and sustained literalism. A genre film/sub-genre film or action film doesn't have to be grandiose and super violent to get its point across. Maggie proves that such a film can actually be minimalist, artsy and beautiful, yet still manage to come across with the most desperate and inescapable sense of horror one can imagine.
 Maggie was a compelling film on so many levels and in so many ways. "Maggie" is a film that makes the viewer really consider what it's like to have to let someone go--to consider what a difference it makes when we let them go in the right way and at the right time. It perfectly conveys the sense of beauty, depth and tragedy inherent in such an act. It shows us every heart wrending side to the saddest of times. And yet...it reminds us that although life can be terrible, it can also be beautiful. It reminds us that some of the gravest and most meaningful beauty in life is that of autonomy, free will and strength and our ability to make our own choices in our own time and in our own ways. Maggie is understated, beautiful, deep, meaningful, thought provoking and compelling while remaining simple, straightforward and, well, horrible-in all the right ways. The point of this particular story is obvious, not because we are beat over the head with it, but because it is so achingly poignant and so unbelievably well acted and artfully shot that the themes and overarching lessons flow seamlessly from storyteller to audience at all times. Arnold Schwarzenegger gives a surprisingly beautiful, heartfelt performance in "Maggie." I've seen a couple of Arnold movies lately that make me question my assumptions about his talent. This is one of them. "Maggie" made me cry more than once. It was beautifully acted by both Arnold Schwarzenegger and Abigail Breslin. I'd love to see them together again in future. If you haven't checked this movie out, do yourself a favor and watch it,
but go in with no expectation but to be amazed. I told you shit would get weird...but somehow it did so in all the right ways. Kudos to Arnold Schwarzenegger. After years of duds, fun, campy action
films and cringeworthy dialogue, you have made a believer out of me. I'm genuinely looking forward
to seeing what your acting future holds.

Reviewing The Hateful 8

Reviewing The Hateful 8 

By: Dominique Miller

Exciting premise with gorgeous cinematography...

(Credit: architecturaldigest.com)

Boring movie which takes place mainly in one room and has little to no plot movement...

(Credit: The Guardian)

My sick day movie today was The Hateful Eight. I've been meaning to watch and review this movie for some time now. But take heed, dear readers, because although I am a big Tarantino fan, I am about to be quite blasphemous. So far, this has been the only Tarantino movie that I do not like. It bored the shit out of me. Possibly literally.
 The Hateful 8 has been possibly the most boring, pointless, predictable movie that ever manifested itself from the mind of such a genius filmmaker. The premise itself is ridiculous and not in the usual fun, somehow simultaneously deep and lighthearted way that the majority of past Tarantino movies have had. But this one is truly bad...eight people stuck in a house while a blizzard rages outside?? Really?? If anyone wanted to see someone lose their mind during a blizzard, they could've come up to Door County with me this past weekend and watched me go stir crazy in my condo while it snowed profusely outside. It probably would've been more entertaining and it certainly would've seemed a shorter affair than this three plus hour anchor drag of a movie.
 The Hateful 8 utilized what would otherwise seem impressive 70mm cameras, being toted by equally impressive and talented camera men and women. It also, unfortunately in this case, utilized Tarantino's meandering story telling style, which is usually also...well...impressive, but which was unfortunately unswervingly dull in this particular instance. His normally engaging way of making sure that the engine and the caboose of a story connect somewhere in the middle fell messily apart every time this story time engine took even the slowest of curves on its long, long track. Though well known and loved, Tarantino's signature style was used in about the worst and most heavy handed way imaginable. Although tedious at times, the plentiful, heavy symbolism employed by so many Tarantino films was certainly appropriate because this movie truly was a never ending blizzard. How can such heavy, weather related symbolism be so drab, you ask?

(Credit: thecodeiszeke.com)

Let's explore. For starters, the very first instance of symbolism within this movie; that of a stagecoach winding its way-meandering-slowly, tediously through a mountain pass during a blizzard. Unlike similar imagery contained within the entertaining and poignant Django Unchained, this imagery is perfectly indicative of the lack of excitement to come in The Hateful 8.
 Now, although this movie is quite boring, we can't attribute that entire state of affairs to the fact that it took place largely in one room. Resovoir Dogs also took place largely in one room and Resovoir Dogs was brilliant. Could it be that Tarantino was attempting to recreate some of this brilliance with The Hateful 8?
 But I digress. Let's talk some more about the beautiful symbolism present throughout some of his greatest works. Inglorious Basterds and Django Unchained were deeply symbolic, deeply moving works in many ways. Inglorious Basterds was rife with symbolism and metaphor, both ugly and beautiful. The startling changes from one to the other keep the audience on the edges of our seats and glued to the screen throughout.

(Credit: Pinterest)

 The beauty of the milk lovingly poured from milking pail to glass at the LaPadite farmhouse suggests an innocence-an innocent time, an innocence of heart and mind of the hardworking people of Europe who had the misfortune of being invaded by the Third Reich.

(Credit: ankitasheth.wordpress.com)

This innocence is of course contrasted by the gleaming black jackboots of the Nazi soldiers, the perfectly placed hat on Col. Hans Landa's head. This type of dichotomy is present throughout the entire movie and is part of what makes it so great. All of Quentin Tarantino's movies are filled with
this sort of multilevel storytelling. Hell, even the symbolism in the Grindhouse double feature was full of this multilayered, deep, yet refreshingly exciting and fun writing, directing, acting, and cinematic style. Everything from the camera work to the acting is extremely well controlled and specific. That has always been a hallmark of Tarantino movies.
 Much of that was certainly present in The Hateful 8, so why then was The Hateful 8 such a disappointment? Now, it's worth noting that to most filmmakers, The Hateful 8 would likely have been an unbridled success far beyond their wildest imaginings. However, Tarantino has set a very high bar for himself as a filmmaker and when he fails to meet his own standards, it does not go unnoticed.
 There is a sense throughout the entirety of The Hateful 8 of laziness. Tarantino's normally intelligent, imminently quotable, too-cool-for-school, dialogue is empty trite and rote, his story telling tired.
Usually Tarantino finds some great stops and entertaining, yet pertinent diversions along the way during his long trip from the beginning to the end of a story, but this time, although the story certainly was long and meandering and rife with symbolism, it wasn't interesting. Even the symbolism itself seemed obvious, stale and rote--devoid of color.
 Unlike in many of Tarantino's movies, Inglourious Basterds of course being one of them, Tarantino's characters seem to beg for redemption. In fact, we, the viewers, root for this redemption. I defy you not to root for Frederick Zoller to come to his senses even up until his very last moment in Inglourious Basterds. I defy you not to want with all your heart for Shoshanna not to kill him, not to kill her lover Marcel and not to kill herself. The characters in The Hateful 8 are much more one dimensional. I didn't root for even one of them to do anything but stop talking, but even when they did that I wasn't satisfied. One thing and one thing only ever interrupted the excuciating level of exposition in this movie--the death of a character. But far from the meaningful death scenes that even the most meaningless characters inhabiting Tarantino's brutal and violent worlds receive, these characters simply died. There was no meaning. There was no symbolism-at least none that made any sense. The characters were irredeemable and the tone and dialogue was tedious. I truly can't decide if this was a purposeful tone that was carefully set or a simple lack of good writing. Surely, there are better ways of accomplishing the telling of a meaningful story.
 Though Tarantino is a master at telling great stories of all kinds-pointless and poignant alike-his best works are often an odd mix of both, this story seems truly pointless. The redeeming qualities present in even the silliest Tarantino movies are almost entirely lacking here.
 So what was this story about? I don't mean the obvious plot lines. I mean the underlying point--that deeper level of meaning that plays such a major part in most of his films. I believe this movie was meant in part to illustrate the pointless nature of some of the post-civil war in fighting. I believe he meant to discuss the ramifications of the civil war on society and to illustrate the uglier side of the era of reconstruction. However, the way he went about it was ham-handed at best, especially by his own standards. The acting was fine. I do not however think that this movie was cast nearly as well as some of my favorite Tarantino films. I realize that Quentin Tarantino has made somewhat of a career of pulling beautiful performances from forgive, but...shall we say...not the best actors...? He has plucked actors from the depths of obscurity to place them squarely in the limelight once again, and in that respect, he has succeeded at least in one such attempt this time around: with Jennifer Jason Leigh. She was the consummate embodiment of said proclivity at least in this particular film. Jennifer Jason Leigh was brilliant. She carried even the scenes where she was only a background character. She was quite literally the star of the scenes containing dialogue between other actors even though her only function was to quietly play piano in the background. That takes direction and that takes talent, so I will say that he succeeded on that front and so did she. I certainly can't give him all of the credit. She really delivered a stellar performance. Tim Roth was quite good as well. Aside from the great performances from these two actors, however, I fear he has failed in his latest attempt to revamp tired acting careers (not that either of these actors are tired, they simply fit his known formula of plucking previously used and/or previously famous actors and placing them squarely back on their shiny pedestals). I loved the hilariously adorable cameo by Channing Tatum. The look on his character's face before he dies just about makes the entire movie and it's so Tarantino. Tatum and Jennifer Jason Leigh had such chemistry even in that one scene! Wow!
 Unfortunately a lot of the character's motivations don't make a lot of sense and consequently, neither do the writers' or director's. Could that be the message? That racism and the civil war were senseless? Possibly...I guess...but there are certainly more graceful and less ham-handed ways of telling this tale and driving this point home. I for one say we give Quentin Tarantino about a dozen more chances to prove how awesome he is though. Let's reboot the system. Let's breathe some fresh air back into our favorite movie making machine. If I had my way, I would suggest that he start with another team-up with Robert Rodriguez...but what do I know, right? I only critique movies. I can't wait to see some of your comments and have this discussion!

The Importance Of Gender Neutral Bathrooms

I was recently visually accosted by this rather ignorant and unpleasant internet meme. Seeing that vicious little bit of fear-based reactionary nonsense made me decide to edit and publish this blog post which I've been writing for some time.

 We've heard a lot lately in the debate about whether, where and when people of differing genders should be able to use the washroom.
 There should be unisex and non-sexually-specific bathrooms available to everyone whenever and wherever the need may arise. Period. We need to stop looking at men as predators, women as victims, people who identify anywhere along the gender spectrum that differs from their sex as people to be avoided, people who are unwanted and lastly, of course, we shouldn't be looking at men and women as the only possible gender identities. This is juvenile, prudish and ridiculous. No one is suggesting that men and women will no longer have safe places to use the washroom. We're simply saying that everyone should have that option no matter what their gender identity. It strikes me that when this particular argument comes up, we seem to care so much about potential sexual harassment (especially of women), but rape culture is totally okay outside of this argument. Let's be honest here. We don't care about sexual harassment, because if we did, we would concern ourselves with trans individuals and individuals along the gender spectrum that will inevitably be sexually harassed for using assigned bathrooms that don't respect their identification. We simply don't want to have to lift a finger to change our way of life to fit those who we don't completely understand or identify with, a sentiment that I can only imagine must be echoed to the nth degree by those who don't fit our society's narrow standards of gender, because let's be honest, many of us don't. And it's our responsibility as conscientious citizens-as society as a whole-to change that.
 Taking a good, hard, honest look within ourselves to understand and change any inborn prejudice is tough, but it's something we must do if we as citizens want to understand the world around us and the people in it, protect and maintain our rights and rise above divisive, sound byte culture infographics like these. I'm sure there will continue to be private, one room washrooms and even men's and women's rooms as well as gender non-specific restrooms. No one is suggesting that one group or another's rights should supercede one another. As one of my favorite radio talk show hosts says, "my rights end where yours begin."
And as Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes famously said, "the right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins."

 Laws like those passed and those being considered in the Carolinas are essentially a swing of the fist at the proverbial nose of the lgbtq and the differently abled communities, which account for a substantial amount of the population.

*A Chicago architect has designed public, gender neutral bathrooms with complete privacy in mind for those who need to use the restroom and do so in a timely manner, which sexually segregated bathrooms prohibit.

 If anything, instituting appropriate bathroom access for all should help discourage sexual harassment and judgment. There are so many reasons why appropriate restroom access is so important. It's incredibly important for transgender individuals and those who identify somewhere on the gender spectrum that isn't exactly where someone else identifies. I believe, however that this issue extends beyond gender and sexual identity issues.
 What about mothers who need to take their young sons into restrooms, fathers who need to take their young daughters to the restroom, parents who need to take their differently abled adult child or children who need to take their elderly parent to the restroom? There are so many reasons why we need to open up unisex and sexually non-specific restrooms. There are so many reasons why we need to stop legislating away our rights. But in order to do that, we will have to move past our prudish understanding of gender, sexuality and the human body at least to a very small degree.
 Why not take a step in the right direction by doing away with bills like Indiana state senate bill 100, South Carolina's S 1203, North Carolina's HB2 and other such proposed legislation that would aim to take away the dignity of those who identify somewhere along the gender spectrum in some way that differs from their "assigned" sexual identity at birth and those who may need extra help using the restroom for physical and mental reasons. Restricting restroom access pending societal judgment of what gender or sex someone should or shouldn't identify with is hateful and unnecessary. Restricting restroom access to those with differing physical and mental needs is as well. Conversely, assuring everyone of every age and every level of physical and mental ability the right to use the restroom if and when they need, wherever they are, be it at school or out in public away from their home is an essential human right and should be treated as such.




*Credit to the Huffington Post for the first picture listed above.
*Credit to QuoteHD.com for the second picture listed above.
*Credit to http://moss-design.com/gender-neutral-bathrooms/ for the wonderful concept and final picture included within my post.

Dating Masterclass

Dating Master Class

Let's be honest boo, if you're plumbing the fathomless depths of the internet for dating advice, right now, then you've found what you're looking for. Given the fact that I'm a lifestyle consultant, author and humorist, I've decided to combine all of these skills into one ginormous mega skill. This post includes acerbic sarcasm, true facts and realness. It also requires the necessary life skill of reading. If you're not for that, then I'd like to gently invite you to consider the possibility that perhaps you're not ready to start dating--successfully--just yet. And if that's the case, that's okay, but when you're ready to join the world of real dating and real human interaction, this post will thankfully still be available for your perusal. You're welcome, by the way.

Do you feel bad? Pathetic? Upset? Are you simply bummed that you can't seem to find the right partner/bummed about striking out with women (or men)? If that's how you feel, I think it's time to work on your approach, because the "hi's" and the "how are you's" and the coming across as a friendly teddy bear thing isn't working. It's not that you can't be a teddy bear, and if that's you, then by all means, let's make it work for you! It's just that you need to be a sexy, desirable teddy bear, and contrary to what the movies, books, tv, and social media tell us, the best way to do that is to showcase our truest qualities in their most naturally appealing forms. Unfortunately, problematic social norms which tend to cause more problems than they solve tend to get in between us--who were are as individual humans at our core and the communication of those beautiful truths to others in a way they can understand, digest and consider in a romantic fashion.

 The whole being a cute, emo wallflower thing isn't working. The "being the scruffy dude/dudette looking like they fiercely DO NOT CARE what anybody thinks (except you do and it hurts you every single time you're passed over in favor of someone else)" thing-you guessed it-ISN'T WORKING! Purposely eschewing other people by embracing self-limiting beliefs that you are somehow "not like other guys/girls" is often the culprit in terms of why some of us struggle in the dating world. But let's change all that. If you're with me and you're open to taking this journey of self-discovery, then congratulations! We can start by having you avoid saying and doing things that give the impression that you lack value. Among other things, this means not letting on right away that you are totally into whatever girl/guy/person you're asking out to the point that there is no time limit on your offers to hang out. So...let's start there...

BE SPECIFIC
Make specific offers. As women, especially women who work in stressful professions and have demanding jobs, some of us quite like it when you take charge-not in an irritating, condescending ("she'll have the lamb--rare, with very little mint jelly") way, but in an assertive-not aggressive (i.e. roided out freak Jersey Shore reject-"come at me, bro," not abusive husband-y), but not passive (umm do you wanna maybe hang out sometime? It's okay if you don't), take charge way-in a way that shows that your attention is focused on the woman in question and that you've been listening to what her likes and dislikes are or if you've not made it to that point in the discussion, she'll want to see that you can read her and that you understand the type of woman she is.

Por ejemplo, a classy woman isn't going to want to eat at Applebee's. A sporty or simple woman who doesn't like to get super fancy with it isn't going to want to go out to a five star restaurant or the ballet or the opera. A busy woman isn't going to want a prolonged affair like a tour of the city or a long movie or a long walk. A woman with health problems or weight problems or even a woman who just doesn't seem into physical exertion isn't going to want took for a spin class or a brisk jog. The point is: you have to know what kind of a woman you're with and there are many clues to help you to do that, both obvious and subtle. Your job is simple: don't be selfish and self-centered. Be an active listener and care enough about the person in front of you to do something that they're interested in as well as something that you are. There's no need to generically try to impress women with "stuff that women like," because I can pretty much guarantee you that all of the "stuff" you've heard about from tv and movies and maybe your sketchy, perpetually single uncle that "women like" is actually stuff that nobody likes and neither of you will be happy, and what does that accomplish?

 If you're still at a loss and the time has come to ask her out, CALL ME! Comment! Reach out! Really--this is literally what I do for a living. I take calls all day every day answering people's most dire dating and relationship questions. The best thing of course, if you're at a loss, is to simply fess up. "Hey, you seem like a great person, but I can't get a read on you and I would like to get to know you better while doing something we both enjoy." You could always use a gem like this, "you seem like such a dynamic woman with a ton of extremely cool interests. I'll admit it, I'm having trouble figuring out which cool as hell thing we need to do when we go out next Tuesday at 830pm (wo/man up, show your confidence by setting the date and time and putting a firm "ask" out there. I promise, if you phrase it this way, she'll be so refreshed with your honesty and so impressed with your confidence and so generally caught off guard in the moment, that she will likely immediately follow up by listing a few of her interests, whether she was thinking of going out with you before or not--and you're welcome, because now she IS thinking of going out with you and she's thinking about it very seriously). You'll have a great time without having to fall back on the planning of some boring, generic date AND you'll have at least one more subject to talk about when you do go out, and she made it easy--super easy for you by providing you with that subject herself before you even went out on your first date! Yay, you! Rock it out!

If you've talked about vegetarianism or healthy eating, then maybe suggest a healthy place. (For people in my area only: Seasons 52, Duke's, Cary Alehouse or even Expressly Leslie's). If you talk about sushi and how much she enjoys sushi, then that's where you invite her. If you talk about how much she loves a certain band or if you're listening to music together and discussing that music or dancing to/singing karaoke to that music the first time you meet, then you ask her to that band's concert. If you're talking about how much she loves to hike, then you take your athletic self and you go on ahead and invite her to a nature preserve for a hike (preferably somewhere beautiful, public and close-by). But bottom line, when it comes to a first date, you really need to do something that you both enjoy.

Style and Appearance:
Avoiding saying and/or doing things that imply that you lack value also includes nixing the scruffy clothes, hair, and potential makeup. Coming across dirty, smelly or unkept are not the sort of things you want to do. You might adamantly defy social conventions and norms in all their false, cretinous, existential glory, but the fact remains, like it or not, that when we show others that we don't respect ourselves, we, in turn, give them permission not to respect us.

 Now, I try my best to respect all people as should you, but that doesn't change the fact that gross, scruffy clothes, knotted, greasy hair, sweaty skin, etc. are simply not attractive qualities and that in this day and age, being in possession of one or more of the former might lead people to believe that you lack the necessary tools to care for yourself-including but not limited to running water, a washer and dryer, a toothbrush and a hairbrush. That's simply not appealing. Although no one is suggesting that you go through the elaborately silly grooming, fashion and/or makeup routines of a bro from Jersey or a woman from central Texas, what I am suggesting is that you find a style that suits you, because argue as you might, you're never going to convince me that "unkempt" or "uncombed hair and clothes that look like they could stand up on their own without the benefit of you being in them" is a style that you willingly and purposefully chose to affect. Odds are, you have a demanding job, not a lot of self-esteem and maybe not too much money and that's how your look came about.

Thankfully, we can all still put out best foot forward--even on a budget. If you don't even know what your personal style is, how can you expect anyone else to? If they can't identify it, they likely aren't going to be attracted to it. Now, no one is saying that you must fit into a certain style group (i.e. preppy, jock, boho chic, street, professional, tailored, elegant, etc.), but I am saying once again because it bears repeating that you must start finding your own personal style. No matter what your shape, your size or your budget, you can find something that works for you and start building on that. Looking like you're getting ready to go to Club Karma or A Night At The Roxbury isn't appropriate either. Nor is, dare I say, looking like an 1870's lumberjack or a Civil War general, but I digress. As I mentioned before, what matters the most is finding your own personal style.
 Avoid having bad breath, uncut nails (or un-manicured/cared for nails), messy (unwashed/un-styled) hair or facial hair, having gas or belching (when you think you're going to have to pass gas of any kind, especially while getting to know someone, and for some, even once you're in a well-established relationship, you excuse yourself to another room or outdoor area where you won't be overseen or overheard--bathrooms are the perfect retreat during just this sort of development--go figure).

Other First Date Guidelines:

Make sure that a first date isn't simperingly sweet or disgustingly romantic. Acceptable first date material:

•dinner at a restaurant you both enjoy

•a walk in a pretty public are is something I've suggested to my clients in the past that is easy on the budget, romantic and which gives you and your date time to get to know each other and either end or potentially extend your time together. I would suggest taking a walk where you'll be able to stop for coffee or hot chocolate somewhere nearby, or if it's warm outside, somewhere where you can grab an iced mocha or an iced tea while you walk. I always suggest ending walking in an area where there's a nice view to be seen. Your date will appreciate your romantic nature (without you overdoing it) and your attention to detail. It might even seem as if you've simply stumbled upon some sort of natural wonderland. This is the perfect date for you romantics out there, and it's also the perfect date for someone who really doesn't want to overdo it as well as those of you who might be on a budget. You can't go wrong with this one. *If you have an area close by like New York's Central Park, Chicago's Magnificent Mile or even a nice boardwalk of some type, these are great areas to walk, talk, grab food and find some spontaneously interesting things to do.

•Ice skating and coffee or hot chocolate (there are indoor rinks during warmer months). During warmer months, this will be completely unexpected and seem really sweet and creative.

•Pedicures and coffee! Men, if you haven't had a pedicure yet, I highly suggest getting one. Spoiler alert: you don't have to wear nail polish! I realize that many men see this as a "girly" thing to do (that's the misogynistic sort of standard you ought to ditch if you ask me), but it's really not. Any woman (or man) who possesses even the slightest sense of humor, kindness, fun, adventure or whimsy is going to appreciate your ingenuity and your sense of adventure and fun as well as your confidence.

•Take an art class (preferably a class where you can spend time talking and getting to know each other, relaxing and having fun)

•Take a cooking class together (again, one where you can talk and get to know each other)

•Go to a hibachi grill or a Japanese steakhouse (assuming she likes that kind of food--this would require some knowledge about the things she likes and doesn't like). These types of restaurants are very communal and public. They give you a chance to get to know each other in a more laid back, pressure-free setting.

•Go to a museum or an art exhibit. This gives you time to get to know each other and it definitely helps you to learn more about each others' tastes and interests.

•A fun park, carnival or amusement park: note, if you like the crazy rides and your date doesn't, nix that whole situation. You don't need to be ditching your date while you ride Iron Wolf. Get your faces painted, walk, talk, grab some food and something to drink. Make sure that you don't plan on spending the entire day there however, since this is after all a first date.


**Whatever you do, keep your experience short and to the point--even if one or both of you don't want it to end (this is a big one!). Leave them--and you--wanting more.


Bad First Date Ideas, topics and more--to be avoided:

•Going on a helicopter, plane or boat tour. Hey, buddy, this is a first date. Your girl/guy could very well be afraid of flying, boating or getting into a small, confined space with only you for company. That's creepy. Stop it. Seriously. Stop. You wouldn't believe how many of my clients think that these are romantic ideas. They're really not. These are "we've been dating for several months and we're feeling comfortable with each other" ideas. When planning a first date, always make sure that you have an escape route. Don't lock yourself in the cockpit of a plane or a helicopter or even inside of a moving bus or trolley with someone you may well want to escape from or who may want to escape from you  Safety reasons may apply here as well. You don't know this person. If this or any date/experience/outing makes you feel unsafe, it's okay for either of you to leave and leave now--without ANY explanation. Bottom line, both of you need to feel safe and you need to meet on neutral territory.

•Going anywhere where you're going to be picking your date up or vice versa. It is so important that we meet each other on neutral ground when going on a first date.

•Making racist, sexist, ageist or any other sort of inappropriate jokes. Look--it may have sounded epically hilarious in your head or in that book you read, that meme, gif, movie or tv show you saw, but I can pretty much guarantee you that holocaust/porn joke that you saw on Amy Schumer once, that Jew joke you saw on Curb Your Enthusiasm, that black joke you heard on Kevin Hart's latest comedy tour or that lovely compliment about how your date is "not like other girls/guys," is tall for an Asian woman, smart for a latinx person, pretty/beautiful/handsome for a dark-skinned person is NOT going to go over well AT ALL--even if they pretend to laugh or don't mention anything about feeling confused, upset or offended. IT IS NOT APPROPRIATE. DON'T SAY IT. Some self-deprecating humor is fine on a first date, but overdoing it or making your date the butt of your jokes is not okay.

•If you work in a stressful profession or have an illness of some sort, I'll give you a pass on this next one (or if you're lost--I had an experience one time with being horribly lost for a first date even though I left ridiculously early to make sure I arrived on time), but do your best not to be late, and if it's unavoidable, let your date know as soon as humanly possible so that they can decide whether to wait or reschedule. Coming in late with no appropriate reason and without having communicated your potential lateness to your date is just bad form.

•DO NOT chew with your mouth open, smack your lips, belch, fart, pick your teeth, pick your nose, scratch your crotch, spill your food, cough or sneeze without both turning away AND covering your nose and mouth, make any weird noises (I dated a guy once who used to make this really weird throat clearing sound that sounded like someone starting a riding lawnmower--we can just refer to him as lawnmower man for our purposes from now on--he did it loudly and often and for what seemed to be no apparent reason and this was an extremely attractive man-what a disappointment THAT was), answer calls or texts (one call or text  if you work in a high stress, demanding job, or if you have a sick relative or a serious emergency, but finish it quickly and if you need to, reschedule the date to a time when you won't be interrupted)

•Whatever you do, do not show your idiocy, racism or fervent support for Donald Trump on a first date.

•Do not talk over your date

•Do not neglect to talk at all

•Do not mention your horrible boss, your itchy hemorrhoids, your failed marriages, yoir psoriasis, your tendency toward flatulence, your horrible ex or exes (side note: if your date mentions horrible exes on the first date or even just often, run like hell because this person may be a narcissist or even sociopath at worst, and at best--I'm talking BEST possible scenario here, they're likely a severely immature and/or dysfunctional human being).

 Don't mention your lactose intolerance, your last bowel movement-or any of your bowel movements for that matter, your cult membership, or your strange religious beliefs. Don't mention the fact that you live with your Mom (unless of course your Mom is ill or has just lost your Dad or something similar, and you're fully and gainfully employed), that you're unemployed or that you haven't had sex in five years time.

•Everyone is different, but my advice is never to have sex on the first date. Now, I don't say that out of prudeness or any misplaced, outdated or subjective religious or societal sensibilities. I suggest this to my clients because there's just too much you don't know about each other. We're all guilty of trying to make ourselves look and sound awesome on a first date and either or both of you might consent to something you really aren't comfortable with either at this moment or later on down the line (and for you misogynists out there--that's a bad thing--for both of you), you
might wake up next to someone you didn't bargain for and worst of all, you might ruin a great potential sexual relationship with a potentially great partner by diving in too soon and ruining the vibe. You also don't know this person's sexual history, you don't know whether they could be emotionally or mentally unbalanced or whether they could try to target you as a stalker or worse (God forbid, but it happens more often than you might expect) and on top of all of that, you've just likely shown this person where you live or conversely, you've gone to their place of residence where you may or may not feel safe. That is not smart, folks. If you're just looking for a casual hookup, you have no business being on a date in the first place. Be honest with the person in front of you and don't lie about your intentions. Whatever the situation and whenever you do decide to have sex, always be safe. Neutral ground is key when possible.

•Do not invite this person to meet your Mom/Dad/Grandma/Grandpa/Cat/Dog/Best Friend/Child before (yes, that's happened), on (that too) or after a first date. That's weird and stalker-y and it shows astoundingly poor self-control, not to mention MAJOR boundary issues.

•Don't discuss your health issues (unless you are allergic to some sort of food or item that is or might be present during your date).

•I think that religion and politics, in general, are fair game, but telling someone about your high cholesterol is messed up.  And, again, telling your date about your strong support of Donald J Trump because he's building a wall to keep out the bad hombres or feeling moved to share your latest noteworthy bowel movement probably isn't the best. That may be one of those thoughts that would be happiest if left to grow and flourish where it belongs--inside your head. Just. Don't with that.

•Don't kiss and tell. Despite what you may have seen in tv or the movies or what your curious friends tell you, this is actually a sign of immaturity and a breach of trust and is in very poor taste. Don't do it.

Misfires--These Are Doozies, So Dispense With Any Of The Following Habits At All Costs:

First and foremost, and men, listen up, because this often applies more to you than it does to us women--dispense with lazy texts like hi, how are you?, whatcha doin'?, what's up?, how is/was your morning/day/evening/night? These are extremely lazy conversation starters that people (often, but of course not always) men employ in order to start a conversation with as little emotional, time, energy or thought power investment as possible in the hopes that the woman will continue the conversation/entertain them when they are bored, have nothing to say or are too nervous to come up with anything memorable or interesting or worse yet, when you don't know the man or woman you're talking to too well and don't want to bother to have to.

 *Its important to remember, guys and gals, that we women, in particular, are often on the receiving end of a barrage of boring, inappropriate, weird and/or disrespectful pickup attempts and conversation starters day in and day out. It is so important to make a good and lasting impression by saying something of value that will be remembered, that may even bring a smile to our faces when we look back upon that text or social media message later on, or better yet, when we proudly show it off to our friends--"omg, you won't believe the cute/awesome/hilarious/adorable text this cool guy or girl (you) just sent us *swoon*." This is absolutely crucial and can be a complete game changer! Guys (especially), it really doesn't matter whether you look like David Beckham or Beck. When you send us a thoughtful message that shows you to be a classy, possibly funny, assertive guy, all bets are off. You're already at least halfway there.* *Note: it's never appropriate to show more personal texts or messages from a date or anyone else to your friends or others. This is okay once in awhile when the message is sweet, benign and not too personal.

Confidence:
 If you approach women (or men) with confidence, it doesn't matter whether they say yes or no (okay, it matters, maybe just not as much). This rule is best demonstrated when out at a bar or a party, although it will also be a HUGE help when asking out that girl you've had a crush on all year). If you walk up to a woman and immediately leer at her or interrupt her conversation with the group of friends or co-workers (hey, you don't know, she could be taking a client meeting rather than out with girlfriends or on a date. It's so important never to make assumptions.), you're going to come off as a creep, plain and simple.

 It doesn't really matter what your intentions are, what kind of image you're rocking or what sort of vibe you're putting out once you've done this because you've literally flushed any possible chances you might have with her down the toilet in one fell swoop. Nicely done, sir.
When you are rejected though, no matter how appropriate or inappropriate, deserved or undeserved you think that rejection might be, you move on. On to the next one. Shake it off, giving the impression that though you're a classy guy or gal and you'd never rub it in the face of the man or woman you were interested in. You aren't bothered. You'll keep it moving and it's their loss that they weren't interested--that you just have better things to spend your time on when you're rejected (even if you really don't). If you do this, it will be them-the person you struck out with-who will feel like they're missing out-even when they're really not available to date you. You don't need to concern yourself with why they're unavailable.



They could be shy, struggling with their sexual identity, pregnant, they may have just lost their job, they may be trying to leave an abusive relationship, ill, just diagnosed with an illness, caring for an ill family member, they may have just lost someone they loved--heck, they might've just received that or other really devastating news. The fact is that YOU DON'T KNOW and truly, it's none of your business. A classy, mature guy-or gal (that's you btw)-isn't going to spend time moping around with the weight of the world on his or her shoulders, assuming that a "no thank you" or even a plain old "no" is a tacit indictment of your character. Often times it has nothing to do with you.

You could be James Franco or Aziz Ansari and you still would've been told no. The fact that you're feeling badly doesn't reflect on them and doesn't mean that they think you're a loser, which is possible of course, but not super likely. It reflects on you and you thinking you're a loser on some level, and if that is the person you want to be, then so be it, but if it's not, then show me you've got some fight left in you. Don't let something like asking out a girl-or guy-who literally never gets back to you EVER, that you honestly don't know that well that-surprise-is not available to date you-make you want to quit at life. He/she is not worth it and the only one you're giving up on when you do stuff like that is yourself. You can show her that you literally don't even care-that you dust yourself off and keep it moving. Hedge your bets. Play the odds. Ask out 3 or 4 girls or guys (NOT in the same setting!!) instead of putting all your eggs in one basket. This will help you immensely with regard to confidence.

Start a conversation only when you have something to say. 

It doesn't have to be something lengthy like a treatise on social justice in the modern age. It can literally be "you, me, sushi (or whatever kind of food she likes), Kyoto restaurant, 7pm, next Wednesday." The only thing it really shouldn't be is hey or heyy or hi or how are you or what's up (or anything that screams "I'm bored and in need of entertainment/attention and I'm putting the conversational onus on you while I sit back and be lazy). I've seen clever men who really know how to text me as a friend in such funny, clever, laugh out loud, awesome ways who turn around and text a girl they really like heyy, whatcha doin or hii. I'm here to tell you that you're capable of so much more. Also, don't answer texts or calls right away. Wait a little while. And if it's more than a few hours, a quick "what a busy day" or some such short remark will be sufficient. It may even leave her the person you're texting with thinking "hmm s/he must be important" and "maybe even wow, I'll bet s/he's been dealing with other men/women and damn isn't it cool that s/he's still making time for me?"

 Now, I'm not suggesting that you wait for exactly the length of time s/he did to text or call you down to the minute, just give the impression that you're keeping your life moving and when you do text, make what you say personal, but not creepily personal. An example of what not to say:" I like that green shirt you're wearing to work today" could be a pleasant compliment if that person you're interested in has shared a selfie with you of them at work, wearing a green shirt. However, if your compliment might give this person the impression that you are perched outside of their place of business with binoculars and vaseline in a conveniently located bush, the very same intended compliment could come off as a bit creepy. Make your compliments appropriately personal, engaging, short, and, most of all, true. If you have a conversation-even by text, or even if you meet up for coffee or a bite to eat or something, it is super important that you stick to whatever time frame you set and be the one to end the conversation or date first. You need to project value and class with everything you do and say as well as everything you choose not to do and not to say. Once you start acting accordingly, you are going to feel so much more confident and on top of things.

Although it can be nice to play the field (hey, making your way through amazing wo/man after amazing wo/man and hitting it off with and getting to know different kinds of folks at a party or outing can feel great, right? it's a confidence booster--I'm not gonna lie.), always be attentive to the person you're with. It's important to view them as the real human being that they are. They are after all just as capable of emotion and feeling as you are. Also, when dating, hedge your bets a bit, be judicious when practicing the "playing the field" strategy. Try not to settle on one person after only a few dates. You don't owe them anything except respect and vice versa. You are still just getting to know each other. You should fully expect that they're out there doing the same thing-and that's healthy.


If, however, people see you charging indiscriminately from one man woman in the room to the next, they will catch on to your not-so-subtle master plan and may not be too happy to be your next target. A classy wo/man/a wo/man who has some idea of her/his worth will not be impressed by this behavior. Conversely, someone who is impressed by this sort of behavior likely won't turn out to be someone you want to know. People of both sexes and all genders want to feel special. The subject of your interest will want to know that you've approached him/her because you saw something special in them, not because of what you feel s/he can do for you by talking with you or because s/he's another warm fe/male body in the room.

Finally, it is okay not to approach someone if you feel something may be off about them--or even if you feel that you're simply not attracted. It's okay to be discerning. Why waste either of your time pursuing someone you're not interested in and why jeopardize your safety by approaching someone who may not respect it? Just as the individuals you approach don't owe you a chance, you also don't owe them one. What's important is to remain respectful throughout any and all encounters. If you can't respect someone you're not attracted to, then you likely don't respect those people who you are attracted to. If this is the case, then it's highly unlikely that you're ready to date. If this holds true for you at this time, I would suggest doing some work on yourself. Travel, read, meet new people in non-romantic, non-sexual settings, take a class, go back to school entirely, cook, take up a sport or hobby...develop yourself.

And last, but not least, even if you do hit it off with someone great, it's always important to leave time for yourself, your hobbies, your work, your loved ones and your friends--in essence, your life. It's so important for both of you to have and live your own lives. Even married folks have their own lives to live.

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Now, go forth, live your life, be happy, and most of all...be yourself!

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