Monday, June 24, 2019

It Ain't Me, Babe

It Ain't Me, Babe: A Journaling Bitch Sesh

 I keep being presented with the same narrative over and over through life, where a number of people tend to see me in one of two different lights, rather than just keeping their eye on their own lane, handling their own business and taking responsibility for their awesomeness, their sadness, their successes, and for their mistakes.


 I'm not perfect and I'm not a villain, and I would rather not be seen as either. 

 This is genuinely something that bothers me.

 It's a tough few weeks this time of year anyway, and being presented with this dual narrative makes it slightly more stressful. The weather is changing, my health changes with it, one of my best sister friends' committed suicide and the anniversary is coming up soon, and this is the time of year we started finding out that my Dad was sick.

 Basically, I do have my own stuff to tend to (we all do, and that shouldn't come as a surprise to literally anyone), so I'm not over here plotting anyone's demise or planning the perfect solution to anyone's problems. 

 I offer advice and coaching for a living, but I would hope that this doesn't somehow scream "I have my stuff together, so feel free to move your locus of control from yourself to me and follow the pied piper and then either credit me with your success or blame me for your problems." That's not a healthy way to live life. I don't want that. I've had to fire clients and move on from friendships because of this. 

 I see this cycle beginning again and I am not amused. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten into this profession. Maybe I shouldn't be a writer. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten into activism. I don't know. But this situation is untenable. There have to be other people (writer's, activists, content creators, etc.) out there who experience this on a much larger scale than I do. I can't even imagine how they feel.

 I realize that as we speak, several folks think I'm focused on them or the imaginary competition we apparently have that I was never made aware of or the imaginary relationship we have that I have never been a participant in (if any of you lovely readers think I'm being conceited or joking, being dramatic or sarcastic, I assure you I am not. I have legitimately had readers, listeners and acquaintances tell me how they thought we had a relationship we legitimately did not have. I've even had a fan ask me if he could pray to me and lay flowers at my feet. It's unreal.

 I don't know which is worse, people thinking that we're in a relationship and that I am their number one, or people thinking that I'm out to get them--that I'm carefully monitoring their behavior and their social media feeds, so that I can judge them (yeah, I don't do that. That's why you follow someone--so you don't have to be a weird creeper.), target them, use things against them or some other nefarious thing. Other peoples' problems are not my sole concern. They're just not, just like my problems shouldn't be other people's sole concern. That's not how I operate. Few people do operate that way, and those who do are disordered and unbalanced.

 I'm always here if someone is experiencing a genuine crisis (like once in a blue moon, not the same person over and over with frequency), or if there's business to be done, but I don't spend my time concerning myself with other people's business, and I refuse to accept the congratulations or blame for someone else's failures. I choose to utilize personal responsibility as one of my main lifestyle tools.

 It seriously astounds me the number of people who think I'm involved in their trouble or that because they have some sort of a competitive vibe with me, that I feel the same way, or simply that I should drop everything and put their problems first. 

 That's just not how I work. I don't like to get knee deep in other people's shit. I don't even like to stick a toe into other people's business. I've got my own shit to shovel. 

 I feel like this is a narrative I'm continually fighting. This could be 100% confirmation bias on my part, but I happen to wonder if it's part of the job for a counselor, coach or consultant.

 If, god forbid, you fit either of these categories, consider this my firm and solemn oath that you, whomever you may be, can rest assured that your business doesn't concern me in the least--unless you're actively trying to undermine me, bully me or target me, or mine, yours or someone else's safety is in jeopardy. Unless that is the case, I'm unable to be involved. My general motto is live and let live. Everyone can swing their fists as much and as far as they like, as long as it doesn't infringe on mine or anyone else's human rights. 

 If something good happened, consider me happy for you (of course I am), but not responsible. If something bad happened or you suffered a loss, I am truly empathetic and very sorry for that, but again, I am not responsible. I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable accepting that level of responsibility.

 Plus, I would assume there's some sort of a pay raise that goes along with having goddess-like powers 😂 so my genuine empathy and compassion is as far as it goes. I'm not able to or responsible for intervening whenever anyone has a need. I reserve the right to choose whom I dole out non-work-related favors to. I don't owe anyone anything, just like no one owes me anything. 

 If you're not one of my best friends in the world, one of my animals or a close family member, then expecting intervention on your behalf by me while I have my own life to live, my own health to care for, my own home and bills to pay for, two full time jobs and a number of side gigs and community programs to take care of really doesn't feel right to me. Even folks who are that close to someone are going to have to find their own words to make asks of other people when they have set an expectation. Mr. Meseeks doesn't exist, and you've seen how badly wrong things could go if he did. 😅 I AM NOT MR. MESEEKS!

  Even if I had none of the above responsibilities, essentially, I still wouldn't owe anyone a thing, and I realize that goes both ways (and that's absolutely okay). 


 I am not the cause of anyone's every problem or the answer to them. I am not a mentor or an idol or an enemy to anyone. That fact that anyone would ever think I am is complete and utter tomfoolery. 

 I don't involve myself with stuff that's none of my business. 

 I am never on a mission to make anyone look or feel any type of way. 

 Hopefully that clears things up. 

 I don't rightly know why I'm so often being met with this narrative, or why some people immediately have to do the whole Madonna/whore thing with me, unless it's the pure and simple fact that I'm an author, a blogger, a podcaster, a coach, a community activist, and a somewhat public personality/content creator, but let me let you in on a little secret, with regard to the splitting behavior--the apparent need some have to make me a Madonna or a whore: an idol or a fallen idol. I'm neither. I'm not an idol. I don't have a perfect life. I'm also not a fuck up or someone who causes anyone else's problems. 

 I'm just a person trying to get by. If you're concerned about my nefarious intentions, I don't have any. If you're hoping I can change your life and make you feel a certain way about yourself, ima stop you there. That's not healthy or possible. Only you can do that. 

 I don't have the time, energy or even a basic level of interest in targeting, bullying, harassing or developing said nefarious intentions. I never have; I never will. 

 That would still hold true, even if I had all the time in the world. I'm concerned with keeping my eye on my own prize, and I expect, as someone with healthy boundaries, that everyone else is doing the same. That's why I'm even as successful as I am. 

 Everyone else is free to go for theirs. 

 As far as me being an mentor or a role model, that's not something I signed up for. I have no time for that. None. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Please don't idolize me or model yourselves after me. That's fuckin' scary. Uh-uh. I don't want to hear about that, I don’t want to That's not a thing I'm even slightly okay with on any level. 

 Find your own path. I feel like wearing a shirt with this on it. I'm not a rising star or a community rockstar or someone with egotistical ambitions. I don't have that sort of an ego. 

 What I do have is a lot of fans and a lot of haters (God only knows why. I only speak the truth about human behavior on my podcast and in my writing, and through my business. I don't denigrate or disrespect or ask anyone to follow me or do things my way) and a desire to be left to go about my business. 

 I don't get this, I don't pretend to get it, I don't like it. I don't want it. I don't have some magical gift no one else could possibly have, neither do I have some magical formula for success. I have practical advice and the ability to read people, coupled with a work ethic and a refusal to deal in nonsense. Literally anyone can have that. Anyone. 

 We are all equals and our paths are all equally important. None of us are responsible for each others' happiness or lack thereof--we're just not. So if you're looking for a role model or someone to hate or someone to idealize or obsess over, please--look elsewhere--like within yourself. It ain't me, babe.


What are some of the narratives and life issues that keep coming up in your lives? Comment below, and bitch away!


Don't forget to follow Dominique Does Life on the free Spreaker app for more content, and, as always, thank you so much for reading!

XOXO,

Dom

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

So You're Looking For Love



As I'm online writing with my social media windows and apps open, I'm seeing a lot of this sort of talk around New Years and let me tell you, I hear it fairly often with my clients. I hear things like:

"I want to find the guy/girl who's right for me this year"

Or

"I can't seem to find the right person for me"

Or

"The only guys/girls who are ever interested in me are jerks/losers/etc."

I want to challenge you to look past that egotism this year (no, that's not a dirty word, we all exhibit egotism). I want you to ask two questions of yourself this year if you're looking for love:

1: "Is this person right for me?"
2: "Am I right for them?"

It's easy to look for someone who is right for you. It's not so easy to turn a critical eye inward and to decide whether you are also right for the person you're interested in or to set that simple intention, going forward when looking for love. Relationships are a game of balance. They are not all about you, nor are they all about the other person. So look for someone who's right for you, but I also want you to look for the person you are perfect for. When you notice red flag behavior, don't ignore it.

Examples of red flag behaviors (be on guard for these behaviors in yourself and in others):

•You or the person you've just met immediately start talking about the ex or the one that got away
•One or both of you weaves a thrilling tale about how life sucks and how you feel victimized by life and/or those in it
•One or both of you start talking politics or religion early on (sure, that'd be okay if you met each other in a Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton forum, but odds are, you didn't)
•One or both of you brag about, complain about or otherwise bring up money and/or financial status outside of "let's split the check." Talking about finances, bragging about your fabulous wealth or complaining about your chronic poverty is not okay. Someone who does bring these subjects up needs to understand that it's unfair to the other party and that their financial matters are not the other person's concern.
•One or both of you confess your deepest sexual fantasies, your fear of clowns or your allergy to cats. Again, it's not the other person's business to know what your deepest desires are or to receive a treatise on exactly how and why Cookie the clown scared you, growing up.
•One or both of you start talking about how people always use you
•One of both of you mention your "crazy" ex/(es)
•One or both of you bring up exes at all before the third or fourth date or hangout.
*By the by, date vs hangout should be defined if you're looking for a relationship (or if you're not--in fact, the burden lies more heavily upon those of you who are not looking for a long term relationship to let the other party know that in a clear and upfront manner that leaves no room for misunderstanding) and it's okay to make that distinction yourself or bring up the topic by the third or fourth hangout or date. This does not mean that you're putting the other person on notice--or vice versa--that if you continue to see one another after this point, you have now entered into an unbreakable billion year contract and you'll be breaking out the tin can e-meters to judge their level of honesty in all forthcoming conversations. This simply means that you're open to discussing a potential for a future relationship as things progress. Love doesn't have a sell by date. It doesn't go bad after three dates or a week or a month. Take your time. You wouldn't buy a car (I compareloveto car buying, not because I believe it's a transactional process--it's not, but because a car will likely be with you for the next decade of your life unless you're fabulously wealthy) without doing some thorough shopping to find the right one that fits you and that you in turn fit well within, so don't make that mistake when it comes to love. Someone who genuinely likes you is not going to up and disappear after a certain date is reached and you haven't negotiated your marriage dowry yet. Relax and take your time.


Examples of balance:

•You both make similar amounts of money
•You're in similar physical condition (with certain allowances)
•You have similar political viewpoints
•You have similar, but not perfectly similar opinions
•You have similar ideas about family
•You have similar relationship goals

*Granted, it's going to take a bit of work to get to know one another to decide whether the above examples of crucial character similarities in fact apply between the two of you, but it's well worth it if you're looking for a relationship. Don't settle or give anyone a chance if you're not feeling them. That goes both ways of course. Don't expect a chance from someone who isn't that into you. I promise it is not a blanket indictment on your character, nor is it a summary judgment and rejection of everything that you are. Sometimes two people simply don't click and that's okay. Would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who wasn't that into you? Don't grudgingly allow someone a place in your life if you're not genuinely interested in offering them one. That's something that's absolutely not okay to say or do. It is however okay to tell someone, "no thanks, I'm not interested" without further explanation or fluffing. It's okay to follow your gut and your brain and your heart and to say enough's enough. I'm not feeling this.
 It's also okay to give someone a chance if you don't genuinely know how you feel about them yet. What's not okay is leading someone on when you do know, but keeping them around serves you in some other way. It's okay to continue to get to know someone without a written contract or blood oath that you'll definitely stay in their lives forever and vice versa. It's okay to have relationships that don't work out. It's okay to have feelings that aren't returned. What's not okay is forcing someone else to respond to those feelings in a way that pleases you if they are not returned. Love is a game of balance, so this year, I hope you'll not only ask the question "is s/he right for me," but "am I right for him/her?" I hope you'll factor that into your desire, intention and action steps as you move toward finding one another. You're going to find a lot of jerks on your journey. That's a given. But don't let that stop you from making room for the possibility of someone who is just right for you, who you are right for in return. Be safe, be happy, be well and Happy New Year!

Friday, January 12, 2018

Being Different/My Moment Of Doubt

There's this thing that happens when you're different. Everybody does it at some point in their lives; everybody feels it at some time or another--this act of tailoring oneself to fit in with the masses; fitting in so that your differences won't stick out, won't be apparent, won't offend...

 I've always considered myself a confident person. I haven't always been the most genuine version of myself in the past, though, and I'm sure that there are moments when I still struggle with that. I am a big proponent of "whatever makes you feel good," so if you genuinely feel good straightening your hair, wearing a weave, spray tanning, skin lightening, getting injections, I say you do you, boo.

 This need to change oneself only becomes problematic when you're not doing it for you. When you're Americanizing or anglicizing your name to sound more fit-in-able, when you're downplaying your heritage, your natural features or who you are inside so that others feel more comfortable. This is when such behavior becomes pathological; unhealthy; dare I say, even sometimes disordered. The good news is that you can change! I'm not talking about changing to suit others or to tailor to their comfort level, I'm talking about changing to be more genuine, more organic, more naturally "you." There is a beauty, and, I find, a certain lightness which comes to us when we are at peace with ourselves, warts and all (not literally, of course. Being 100% real, if I saw a wart, that shit would be removed so damn fast lol!). It just feels right. Living your light, your life and your truth authentically and respectfully (to both yourself and others) is a beautiful thing, but there are barriers to getting there. Here are some of mine. I experienced one such barrier today while getting ready for a YouTube video for my channel and as I was moving out of that feeling of discomfort, I felt strongly that this was a moment that, although extremely uncomfortable, needed to be shared, so here goes...

 I just legit started crying after seeing my hair in a video. Relax, I told myself, you're fine. It's always bothered me that I can't get my hair to look "white" enough. I feel like every other aspect of me could pass as any of the various mixture of backgrounds in my heritage, but my hair. The white hair dressers and waxing salons have a hell of a time cutting and styling it and even getting color to stay in it and the ethnically friendly joints make it look too ethnic--way more textured than it actually is as well as offering services that damage the hair shaft like permanent straightening and Brazilian blowouts. I rarely talk about this kind of thing in our current political climate (yes sir, I am a straight, white woman! Yes ma'am, I am a heterosexual, highly gendered automaton with only one heritage--WHITE--I'm only half kidding btw. I was planning to tell you all a little bit more about me WHEN Hillary won, but that plan was definitely canceled amid all of the attacks and recriminations which took place after 45 came into office--and yes, these are personal decisions, so no shaming and no untoward questions, pretty please and thank you), but that old feeling of not fitting any standard creeps back up on me at the weirdest moments. It's like 'oh, you though you were comfortable with yourself, well HAAAY GURL, I'm back! Don't get too comfy.' I hadn't heard that ridiculous inner voice in the longest time until tonight. But why am I sharing if I'm so uncomfortable? Well, that's why in a nutshell.

 When I'm uncomfortable with something, that tells me I need to talk about it. I also have the sneaking suspicion that there are quite a few people out there who feel similarly who also push it down. Rather than shame anyone, least of all myself, or say "stop thinking that way/stop feeling that way," I'm going to say this. Feel however you ARE in the moment. I'm serious. Feel it. Our feelings are here for a reason. Our feelings don't exist to make us comfortable, they exist to tell us when it's time to change, when it's time to move forward and to give us hints about what will and will not allow us to move into happiness or at least unconditional acceptance of who we are. It takes a lot of energy to push away unpleasantness, so I say, if you are feeling like I'm feeling or if you are feeling any type of way about yourself at all in this moment, meet that feeling where it's at. How does it manifest? Does it come to you as a tightness in your throat? A sinking sensation in your stomach? A tightness in your chest? Do tears fall? However this feeling manifests, sit with it. Don't sit IN it, but sit WITH it. Don't get lost in it, but do experience it. After I was done taking my moment with this feeling and the thoughts it brought up, I thought of all of my beautiful mixed race, immigrant, transgender, non-gender-conforming, LGBTQ friends, family and associates. I thought of the wonderful examples they set and of the power and beauty they brought to the universe and to the lives of those around them just by being them. So if you're feeling down, FEEL IT. If you're feeling scared in this current climate, OWN IT. If you're feeling misunderstood, FEEL THAT. It's okay to do so. You are not alone. None of us are. And no one and nothing should ever make any of us feel that being ourselves is not okay. So join me. Feel it, know it, live it and then get up, get out and make a difference. Own you. Own whatever it is that makes you "different." Be whatever your spirit tells you to be, because you are unique, you are divine and you are one of a kind. Don't ever change!

 As I felt my own moment of doubt, I thought about the many other people out there who were sure to be struggling with similar issues. This convinced me to discuss this ubiquitous topic, as uncomfortable--even painful as it may be. I needed to turn my own pain into a teachable moment--something that, as awkward as it is, others could identify with. This is why I'd like to invite you, gentle readers, to share your moments of doubt and pain; the things your brain tells you aren't good enough, aren't conformist enough, aren't culturally appropriate enough, are too unique. This is a safe space. Please feel safe, comfortable and welcome discussing below at your leisure and within your zone of safety and comfort.


Monday, July 17, 2017

Highlights From Last Night's Game Of Thrones Season 7 Premiere



·David Bradley's WONDERFUL performance


·The fun special guest star (seriously, it was all fun and no blood and guts...Yet...haha)
·The adorable soldiers who just wanted to go home
·Jon Snow's leadership and the fact that he won't allow himself to be swayed both other people's opinions. 
·Sansa's strength and daring. This woman has more Cersei in her than we'd like to admit. 
·Euron Greyjoy's level of pure, unadulterated crazy--that man has cojones--or a severe personality disorder...Maybe both. 
·Lyanna Mormont--that girl has spunk. 
·Arya--she has real strength and it appears that she has developed her own moral code. 

·The fact that Bran finally reached an important destination. 
·Lady Brienne of Tarth (she pretty much always rocks out with her...er...lady balls?? Out.)
·Jaime Lannister for doing his best to stop his sister from going full on sociopath (bless his little one armed heart). Is it possible that there may be a changing of alliances here?
·The new...er...shall we say...blossoming "love story"?

·The new big alliance which will likely be explored in the next episode. 
·Dany for finding her place (literally). 

·Literary narrative and symbolism for the dichotomy of the Lannisters, two major players in the game of thrones, striding across a painted map of the seven kingdoms like Titans versus Dany gently caressing the war table with a map representing the seven kingdoms. 
·Sam for persevering in the face of drudgery. 
·Ser Jorah Mormont for his unwavering dedication to his Queen. 
·The wonderful addition of Academy Award Winning Actor Jim Broadbent to the show. 
·The Night King and his glorious army! It just might give you a chill.
·The Hound for his honor, steadfastness and courage in facing his fear of fire to develop a new gift. 

Saturday, December 17, 2016

The Importance Of Critical Thinking Skills In The Age Of Trump

"If a thing can be done adequately by means of one, it is superfluous to do it by means of several; for we observe that nature does not employ two instruments where one suffices (Thomas Aquinas 1945, p. 129)."
Yes, I just quoted Thomas Aquinas right off the bat. You're welcome, freshman philosophers.


One of my major battles if you will in life, as a writer, a lifestyle consultant and coach and a free thinker has always been to help people to engage their senses of logic and reason and to challenge and assist them in so doing. Whether they be my clients or simply people I happen to be having discussions with during the course of my day, this is something I try to encourage. The opening of one's mind does not come with little to no effort or by believing in that in which we want to believe. Some truths are inconvenient, yet becoming aware of them still serves us well. Awareness is key.


But how do we know what to believe and what not to believe? We live in a country and in a moment in time in which our free and fair elections seem to be under attack. It comes as no surprise, then, to know that public information is also under attack. Fact is under attack, in large part, due to the dissemination of false news from sketchy sources. That is why it is vitally important, now more than ever, that we stay vigilant and sharpen our own cognitive skill sets. A dull blade is a tough instrument to use to cut through the knots and tangles of misinformation which is usually inevitably wrapped around a core of truth.


Since first setting foot in a college classroom where my world changed and my mind was opened to the many and varied opportunities available for those with open minds and critical thinking skills, I have been fascinated with the capabilities of the human mind. We as humans have such a powerful tool at our disposal. Since then, I have made it my mission to sharpen my mind. I have made it my mission to challenge my own personal beliefs and to use reasoned argument and logic to develop and hone a purposefully logical and comprehensive worldview. I know that many of you have done the same. It is however nearly impossible for those who do not have the necessary critical thinking skills and capabilities at their disposal to do this and sadly, many folks who don't possess these basic skills therefore do not realize their importance. 




The human mind seeks to make connections. That's just the way it's built. It seeks to connect that which is seemingly disconnected, but how does it know which facts and experiences are connected and which aren't? Without sharp critical thinking and deductive reasoning skills, it simply doesn't. Enter the conspiracy theorist. I have had my fair share of contact with folks like these. I always do my best to approach them with compassion and respect when making suggestions that challenge their world views. I try to stay away from assailing them with facts they will never know or care to know when dealing with people who aren't interested. What I do is attempt to provide some structured, unbiased tools for them to use to examine their beliefs, tools which I myself use, and to listen to them and understand why they have adopted these beliefs and what motivates that sort of thinking.  It's easy to berate others for disagreeing with us. It's hard, however, to accept someone else's differing point of view and approach it with respect. Sadly, in today's world, challenging other peoples' beliefs can be taken as an offense or an indictment on that person's character. This is a response that goes hand in hand with emotional thinking. When someone challenges our beliefs, we often bypass the obvious fact that it is simply that particular belief that is up for discussion and that such dialogue is not an indictment upon our character or our very right to exist. In responding to people whose viewpoints seem to have been skewed by false information, false news sources and the like, I have found that there is generally no easy way to have that discussion. We each believe that our ideas are right because we've thought of them and because we know what the factual landscape around us looks like. It is critically important, however, that each and every one of us challenge that assumption on a daily basis. One of my go-to tools in that particular fight is Occam's Razor. We will discuss that concept further. First, however, I'd like to share with you a recent social media comment I made in response to a gentleman who has stated that though numerous vetted fact gathering and reporting entities in the United States have reached a certain conclusion about election interference during this past election cycle, he chooses not to believe the information at hand. The reasoning I've seen many people use when dismissing information they don't like out of hand has been characteristically and unequivocally murky. It usually sounds something like this: "I don't believe anything written in the paper"/"I don't believe anything I see on the news." 


While I'm certainly not here to put this gentleman on blast or to call him out, I do happen to think that this particular exchange serves as one of many recent great examples from my own interactions of emotional versus logical thinking and the pitfalls that come along with it. 

 So here goes...this is my response:

Why are you having trouble with that? When it comes to situations like these [whether Russia intervened on behalf of President-Elect Trump, in this case], we've got to look at the facts that are coming in. Would you agree that it is the CIA and FBI and the other 14 intelligence agencies' jobs to collect information? If so, let's examine the information at hand and use Occam's Razor to cut away with any personally biased judgments. It's so easy to construct stories in our own minds that fit with what we already believe. The problem with that is that when we're reading unsourced or manufactured material written by folks who have their own biases and may not have the education in ethics in journalism and reporting, we're adopting their skewed judgments and their confirmation biases. I agree that the MSM gave Donald Trump too much coverage before the election and Bernie hardly any, but their stories cannot be published if they're not properly sourced. That would be a violation of journalistic ethics and integrity. That's why we hear about such violations here and there coming to light (Brian Williams would be a good example, here) when credentialed journalists write and broadcast things which are not true. That's also why we don't hear about folks who write blogs from Mom's basement getting in trouble for ethics violations. They are not credentialed journalists. When I write for certain publications, I am expected to uphold a certain standard and to source all of my information and it is expected that those sources be credible and provable. I could avoid that burden altogether if I wanted to simply blog about my opinions (I do also blog about my opinions, but I always source that material and do painstaking research as well). I could probably make a really good case right now based on conjecture both that Russia was involved and that it wasn't. I could use my own writing skills and my confirmation bias to construct and promote realistic sounding conspiracy theories and you wouldn't know what my motivations were because you wouldn't even have any information about who I am or why I'm qualified to address such topics, let alone where my information was coming from. Conspiracy theories and biased theories are based on conjecture with facts sprinkled in, often to misdirect or skew things to the writer or broadcaster's personal perspective or agenda. Sometimes these stories are purposely skewed, other times the writer or broadcaster is simply sloppy and unprofessional. 
 Please, please do yourself a favor and utilize Occam's Razor every single time you read one of these posts. Please do the same when you're considering your own world views. I had to make some uncomfortable adjustments to my world views recently and I had to use facts, logic and again, the 
scientist's, psychologist's, physicist's, logician's and philosopher's old friend Occam's Razor. Please do the same. I'm not going to tell you what to think or believe, but I'd sure like to introduce some tools that will allow you to do that.

Long response? Sure. Necessary? I certainly think so. 

 I think that the concept behind this particular comment is something we all need to consider. It goes far beyond the friend I was addressing on social media when I constructed it. Without going into an agonizing amount of detail, I will attempt to provide the basic premise of Occam's Razor. Occam's Razor was initially a tool utilized by physicists to try to suss out correct information and correct interpretation and discard that which was incorrect. Occam's Razor is about relying on facts rather than inferences, though for those of us who use it in its capacity as a critical thinking tool, it is often very helpful in allowing us to make correct inferences and to infer correct connections between facts. 

"Rudiments or principles must not be unnecessarily multiplied (entia praeter necessitatem non esse multiplicanda)”
-Immanuel Kant
  




Occam's Razor is a fantastic tool. It suggests that the most likely truth in any situation is the truth that is the simplest and that when we've discarded that which is less likely to be true, we are in fact left with the truth, which should be used as tier one for any strategy, argument or worldview that we're constructing. This is an important tool for anyone at all to have, but doubly so for someone who chooses to disseminate information. Occam's Razor is non-biased. It has no agenda. Occam's Razor does not seek to disprove false information. That's not an appropriate tactic as is, since the burden of proof is and should always be upon those making claims and not those refuting them. 

From Newton's "Three Rules of Philosophy:"
"Rule I: We are to admit no more causes of natural things than such as are both true and sufficient to explain their appearances."

Let's Examine:
 Lets look at three different basis for the same argument and determine which is appropriate and which is not based on fact and probability. The claim here is going to be that you have just told me that your pet has gone missing. Pretty basic and easy to understand, right?

 1) You tell me me that you've just been petting your cat and that s/he has up and disappeared. You can't find her anywhere. If you're asking for my logical input and my help on the matter, I'm not going to have all of the facts at my disposal. For instance, you say you've been petting your cat, but I have no information to support or refute that. I can't prove, for instance, that you didn't just pet your cat if you claim to have done so, nor can I prove that you did. You could be telling the truth just as easily as you could be misremembering or embellishing your story for one reason or another. I simply can't be sure. If I were a detective, I couldn't help you to find your cat based

 only on the information you've given me. You have no idea where your cat is or why, nor do I. The only information I have to go on is hearsay that cannot be proven. I also have the added burden in this situation of not even knowing whether or not your claim of having just seen your cat is true (since you claim to have been petting him/her just now). 

“Nature is pleased with simplicity, and affects not the pomp of superfluous causes”
--Sir Isaac Newton 
(Newton 1972, p. 398)

2)If you say you've petted your cat and I'm not present and have no information about you or your cat, I cannot refute that. However, if you tell me that your cat has gone missing and you've just been petting your pet purple dinosaur, which you think may have eaten your cat, I can reasonably assume that you have not been petting your dinosaur and that your dinosaur has not eaten your cat, as dinosaurs no longer exist. To base any further argument on your claim of having a purple dinosaur in your possession as a pet and having been petting that dinosaur and further, that the dinosaur may have in fact eaten your cat is ludicrous and I can reasonably dismiss any further claims or stories based upon your initial statement about having or petting a purple dinosaur in the first place. This claim can be dismissed and should not be used to build any further information on since it's clearly untrue. Just like a building, an argument cannot be built upon a faulty foundation. 

“Nature does not multiply things unnecessarily; that she makes use of the easiest and simplest means for producing her effects; that she does nothing in vain, and the like” 
--Galileo
(Galileo 1962, p. 397)


Another sort of sketchy argument that can arise is when current claims that can neither be proven nor disproven are used to lay the groundwork for further claims. Oftentimes such claims seem reasonable, but that does not mean that they're true. Many factors can influence the articulation of such claims, including misremembering, being in possession of wrong information, embellishment or outright lying. Going back to the simple premise we just used, if you claim that you've 
 petted your cat and then structure your argument around said action despite the fact that nobody witnessed you petting your cat, that argument may seem believable (certainly more believable than the dinosaur story), but it is inherently flawed since the basis of the claim being made absolutely cannot be proven. If you had timestamped video footage of you petting your cat, which you shared with me, that would be one thing, but for arguments' sake, let's assume that you don't. Your claim may seem reasonable, but it cannot be proven, therefore we must not use that information to build further arguments from. One cannot reasonably assume that petting your cat was the last thing you were doing before your cat disappeared, 
 since there is no evidence to back that claim. You could have misremembered the order in which you were performing various tasks before your cat went missing, you could be embellishing your story or you could be outright lying. This is a faulty foundation and any argument built upon it will topple. Problems arise when people still cling to such arguments well after they have been proven to be false. Having an emotional connection to a specific worldview is great in certain ways. It's great for human empathy and compassion which are necessary and vital to the human condition. However, using emotion rather than logic to determine what you're going to believe when it comes to concrete information such as news stories, political events, world events, scientific phenomena (i.e. global warming) is dangerous. It is dangerous because you will be building upon that faulty foundation to construct an entirely false narrative and a problematic worldview as well as the erosion of our dearly held rights as citizens of this world.

 "If all of chemistry can be explained in a satisfactory manner without the help of phlogiston, that is enough to render it infinitely likely that the principle does not exist, that it is a hypothetical substance, a gratuitous supposition. It is, after all, a principle of logic not to multiply entities unnecessarily."
--Lavoisier
 (Lavoisier 1862, pp. 623–4).

 3)The third sort of basic premise might look something like this: 
 You claim that you petted your cat at 1:30pm for two minutes and you have provided me with  timestamped video to show that you were doing just that. You claim that your cat moved out of your field of vision at 1:32pm as the video ended and that it went missing shortly afterward. This claim is easily proven. I can watch your video and see the time stamp. I can now reasonably base the rest of my understanding about the situation you've described upon the facts that have been given. This claim is simple, concise, it can easily be proven and it cannot be disproven in any way. 

"[T]he grand aim of all science…is to cover the greatest possible number of empirical facts by logical deductions from the smallest possible number of hypotheses or axioms"
--Albert Einstein
 (Einstein, quoted in Nash 1963, p. 173).





Of course, you may encounter folks who have such a predisposition to their own view of things that even showing them a timestamped video will not sway their opinions. These folks might say things like "this video has been altered" in light of zero facts to suggest that being anywhere near true. They might then expect you to prove that the video has not been altered. These people are essentially conspiracy theorists, whether they aimed to go that route or not. It's easy to be sucked into conspiracy theorist rhetoric as it is often based on conjecture, with facts sprinkled in, as I mentioned before. Occam's Razor is a tool that will help you to guard against falling prey to that sort of mentality. Although I'd love to discuss which news outlets broadcast verifiable  information and which are known not to, that's not what this post is about. This post is simply about providing unbiased tools to all of us so that we can use those tools to make our own inferences and to make our correct and factually supported conclusions. 


More examples of biased conspiracy theorist rhetoric versus much more likely, fact-based information:
 •The claim that 9/11 was not caused by terrorists and was a controlled explosion:
  Even if what happened reasonably could have been the result of a controlled explosion (and I'm not suggesting that's true), we have to use our deductive reasoning skills and Occam's Razor to determine the following: is it more likely that the US would blow up its own citizens in a controlled explosion for various murky reasons or is it more likely that the threat of an air attack on the United States which had been foreshadowed in formerly confidential Presidential intelligence briefings by a group [Al Qaeda] that hates the United States developed into something very real that ended up actually happening, particularly when Osama bin Laden, leader of said group claimed credit for it? One can reasonably expect that point A led to point B which then led to point C and that the latter argument is the most likely argument to be true. Will we encounter emotional arguments based on murky logic and a few errant, liberally altered facts? Absolutely. It is our job, however, to do a bit of a mental tidy in order to guard against adopting such flawed logic. 
•President Obama wasn't born in the United States: This conspiracy theory should've been easily put to rest when the President introduced his birth certificate to the public. Is it more likely that President Obama had an elaborate forgery pre-made knowing that he would one day ascend to the office of President of the United States of America or is it a more reasonable assumption that he simply showed us his real birth certificate because he was actually born here? Clearly, the less convoluted theory is the latter. 
•President Obama is a Muslim: Not that it matters of course, but after years of evidence of The President going to various churches and espousing Christian values and Christians viewpoints and actually telling us what his religious beliefs were and that they aligned with Christianity, would it be reasonable to assume that The President is in fact a Christian or would it be more reasonable to assume that he's conducting an elaborate ruse (for what reason? Not that the reason particularly matters as this argument just doesn't hold water)? Clearly the former is much more likely to be true, given the firsthand information at our disposal. 

"The main thing that I learned about conspiracy theory, is that conspiracy theorists believe in a conspiracy because that is more comforting. The truth of the world is that it is actually chaotic. The truth is that it is not The Iluminati, or The Jewish Banking Conspiracy, or the Gray Alien Theory. 

The truth is far more frightening - Nobody is in control. 

The world is rudderless."

--Alan Moore


Most conspiracy theories are not in fact true. Why then do we believe in so many of them? Could it be that the human imagination is simply that active? Oftentimes, there's an emotional reward of some kind is involved. Sometimes it simply makes us feel superior--purist. Conspiracy theories have been known to knit entire groups of people together. Unfortunately those groups quickly become cult-like in their mentality. Anyone who is an outsider "just doesn't get it" or "won't open their eyes." They're being "manipulated by the lizard people" (I'm not being derisive here--that's an actual belief that some folks hold), they're being led by some nefarious group. A word that you'll hear a lot in conspiracy theorist circles is "they." You'll hear the term "that's what 'they' want you to think." This is a convenient way to deflect from having to argue facts. It is my hope that after perusing this post and looking into Occam's Razor and hopefully after reexamining some of our own personal views (nothing wrong with reexamining them in a different light if we feel they hold water, right?) we might go forth into this world being more prepared and more armed with knowledge and fact. 

Thanks for taking a gander and feel free to look over my source information below!

Sources:


On Occam's Razor:
 What is Occam's Razor?:
University of California:
http://math.ucr.edu/home/baez/physics/General/occam.html
Encyclopedia Brittanica:
https://www.britannica.com/topic/Occams-razor
Occam's Razor and Philosophy:
University of Tennessee:
http://www.iep.utm.edu/ockham/
Stanford University on Occam's Razor and Ontological Parsimony:
https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/simplicity/

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Help Stop Sexist Hate Speech



    (Photo Credit)

An interesting thing happened when I got up just now to get my midnight natural remedy tea...



I was disturbed and disheartened to see a gentleman on a female friend's facebook page (no names) casually slinging around terms like cunt in reference to women and in the same breath, talking about how nice he was and how women owe men like him a chance because he's such a "nice guy," saying, essentially, that if women weren't all sluts and whores, that they would see how nice he was. Can you say irony? How is calling women sluts, whores and cunts nice?


Friends, placing value judgments on other people's' perceived sexual preferences, choices and perceived quality and frequency of said choices is not acceptable. As Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, "my right to swing my fist ends where your nose begins." Statements like these are most definitely a swinging of the fist.

Slut shaming women (or men or anyone of any gender) is not okay and statements like these are quite literally a way of swinging one's fist at someone else's nose. Other peoples' choices are their right to make and making a [likely uninformed] judgment about said choices is not acceptable. The only one who has the right to make judgments in this scenario is the individual making their own choices in the first place. Women (and folks of all genders) have complete autonomy and should be treated accordingly. To make value judgments on women (or anyone) because we disapprove of who they are spending their own private time with is not okay. To assume that women in particular owe anyone a chance to sleep with them; to use sex as currency--as a reward for fake niceness (or real niceness for that matter) is abhorrent.


Sadly, this isn't even close to the first time I've witnessed something like this. It's 2016, folks, let's start acting like adults. It's time to start acting like self-aware human beings and treating others as such.

Thankfully, I was raised by a strong, confident man who had the utmost respect for women and for human beings in general and who worked tirelessly to fight for the protection of other people's' rights. That is one reason out of many why I take such exception to statements like these--thought processes like these--and why I can't let these statements stand without doing my best to call out the people who still feel comfortable making them and to bring public attention to this particular issue. I would never have been allowed to speak that way about anyone of any gender while growing up and I know my Dad would've  been extremely disappointed with me had I ever spoken about another human being in such a fashion.
                                                                      (Photo Credit)
This particular instance is far from uncommon. Unfortunately, I witness the expression of sentiments like these on a near daily basis (and I'll be expanding upon this subject soon, so stay tuned).

I don't know what everyone else's home lives and personal backgrounds are, but if you did not have the kind of supportive figure I did looking out for you while growing up, please allow me to act as such for the time being when I tell you that this is not okay and that I know you can be better and do better than this.

I know it's easy to blame other people for our own perceived shortcomings.

It's easy to feel slighted when people point out things we've said or done that are hurtful or upsetting or that degrade ourselves and others.

It's easy to feel condemned when people point these things out. I get it. And that makes us feel defensive and angry.


But...

Please do your best to move past that reactive mentality and to hear the substance of the message being delivered.

I'm happy to be the messenger in cases like these when appropriate and I can tell you that I am not here to condemn you or tell you that you're a bad human or that you're undeserving of respect.

But I am here to let you know that what you're saying is not okay and I'm taking the time to do that because I know that we all say things from time to time that we regret or that we have heard others say or that simply feel good for us to say at the time, while knowing all the while that these things are not in fact okay to say, possibly not okay to think and when that bad thing has passed our lips, often times we immediately feel horribly for it. I understand that. We all understand that. That's why it's so important to own up to that fact. It's okay to say "I'm sorry. I was wrong." Most people will be very understanding of such a situation. Others might still have unpleasant feelings about what was said and that's okay. What matters is that we take ownership, that we take responsibility for our words and for our actions. I'm here to stand up for myself and others, but I'm also here to stand up for you and to remind you that you are capable of being better than this. I'm here to help you to take responsibility when you've said or done something hurtful or inappropriate and I pledge to continue to do the same in my own life. I'm here to do this because I'm a woman. I'm here to do that because the person who gave birth to me is a woman. I'm here to do that because I care--about you and about me. I'm here to do that because staying silent when I hear hate speech does not resonate with the deepest parts of my spirit.

This is an issue many women including myself have had to face many times in life and will have to face many more, and facing it as someone who does not come from a background of privilege allows me-and all of us as women to see this matter from a personal perspective as well as a social one.
                                                    (Photo Credit)
It is my hope that if words such as these have ever passed or come close to passing your lips--or if these words have passed the lips of those around you, you will choose to step up and join me in doing the same. It is my hope that you will choose to step up and join me in making a change when you encounter hate speech and it's accompanying actions. I hope that you will stand for something better--something more than the reactionary use and perpetuation of dangerous and hurtful stereotypes and institutional and personal sexism and hate and the language and actions that accompany it. It is my hope that you will stand up and say enough is enough when you see a fist benign swung in the vicinity of someone else's nose.

Join me in holding yourself to a higher standard.

Join me in providing the choice to others around you to do the same.

*I'd also like to invite my readers to check out the whole series of Angru Jack videos, two of which, I've posted in above links. I find these videos to be incredibly informative regarding the state of mind that people who think and speak to women in the above ways often struggle with.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Gravity Film Review


*In honor of this beautiful film, I have added extra large graphics to this blog post.

After seeing Gravity again, I was taken with the urgent need to review it. I truly believe that Gravity is one of the best movies ever made. Its certainly one of the best and most intense cinematic experience you'll ever have, should you care to watch it. Check it out and let me know what you think. If you have to have all of your storytelling laid out for you in explicit "this is what character A thinks and feels now" terms, this movie may not be for you. Its mature, abstract, layered, deep and there are lots of panoramic and wide shots

 with only a few spare close up reaction shots that are very conservative and extremely well done. The special effects appear very minimal, though truly they're not. It honestly looks as if this movie was filmed in space.
 Sandra Bullock does all of the acting here on her own with just a little bit of help from George Clooney. Her physical performance is absolutely stunning and awe inspiring. She acted in conditions that mimicked zero gravity and did so like a professional astronaut. Zero gravity is hard. You're flailing around with no control. NASA could probably employ her if she ever decided to give up acting. There is this beautiful sequence in Gravity where Sandra Bullock is curled up like a fetus waiting to be born from inside of the space station that will absolutely take your breath away. She deserves an Oscar for her performance in this movie, unquestionably. This is one of the best acting performances I have ever seen.
                                                                      (Credit)
 The best part about this movie is that it is not about space at all. It is about the human spirit and the vagaries of fate and how we deal with them. Why does one character live while others die? Why does Dr. Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock)'s daughter die in a freak accident when her mother is left to mourn her passing, continuing to outlive her? Why does that rope catch Ryan's foot and not Kowalski's? And finally, how do we deal with these instances of happenstance and why? Why do some move on while others stay stagnant? When and why does that switch flip within us? Why and how does that flame go out or reignite? There is a real beauty here for those who care to see it, and that is the beauty that lies within that moment in which we decide not to be distracted by those questions anymore and to simply live life and stand in our power. There is a beauty within the moment in which we decide to break free of the chains that bind us to our sense of what should and shouldn't happen, what is and isn't proper and that forever asked question,
"when will I die?" That is where the real beauty lies. And
 there is an answer there for those who care to think on it, and that answer is "today." It is always today. It will always be today.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

The Problem With "Nice Guys™"


The Problem With Nice Guys™
 For years, we have been told as women that we should find ourselves a nice guy. What's wrong with that, you might ask. After all, niceness is a virtue. I agree of course. Genuine niceness is a virtue. Having nice people in your life can be a great blessing, but niceness is not the only quality one should seek out in a friend and it's certainly not the only quality one should look for in a potential dating partner and there is an astoundingly stark difference between real niceness and niceness which is put on in order to affect a certain outcome. It has been drummed into us as women via problematic tv and movie tropes, but it doesn't stop there. I would argue that its been present since the invention of the play. The idea of settling for the nice guy regardless of our level of interest has been drummed into women since the beginning of patriarchal society itself. Of course no one is attracted to someone else based solely on their level of niceness. That being said, actual niceness isn't what we're talking about here. The NiceGuy™ isn't actually nice (or if he is, his affectations are not particularly genuine when it comes to women). So without further ado, let's get into the meat and potatoes of the dreaded "NiceGuy™" syndrome.

The Nice Guy ™ 
  This guy has a heart of gold (in their own estimation) and they'll kill every last person on this earth prove it to you, because they're fucking nice, goddamnit and fuck you and your little dog if you don't think so! The poor, plucky, overlooked NiceGuy™ just keeps putting himself out there only to be crushed by all of those evil, evil women (or men) that they date. This dater has no concern for your likes, dislikes, wants, needs, emotions or life situation. To them, dating is about one thing and one thing only: being acknowledged/not being alone while simultaneously benefitting from a transactional process wherein they receive admiration, validation and of course "the sex."


•To this dater, you are simply a warm body for them to use as needed when having someone good looking, kind or in a pinch, having someone with a pulse who breathes suits their needs.
•The Nice Guy™ feels he should be rewarded for not being a jerk and for acting with a modicum of respect and decency (even false respect and decency). The Nice Guy™ wants a great big feminist cookie for not raping, beating, mistreating or otherwise taking advantage of the current woman of the moment, and why not, when deep down, the Nice Guy™ harbors a deeply flawed and an inherently misogynistic worldview.
•The Nice Guy™ rarely acts with dignity and self respect around the woman or women he's interested in at any given time. Rather than letting the wo/man he's interested in know that he's interested and know exactly what he's interested in and why and allowing the wo/man the agency and ability to make that decision, he follows his target around like a puppy dog, wheedling and worming his way into her life any way he can, but not genuinely caring about anything his target thinks, says or does because all the Nice Guy™ is interested in is filling his own shallow, selfish needs. 
•Nice Guys™ live lives within a constant cycle of ups and downs based on who is giving them attention at the moment. They move from one crush to the next to the next and if the woman (or man) in question dares not to be interested in them, they're evil, horrible and awful and the Nice Guy™ no longer wants to go through the hassle of playing nice and, ugh, listening to her problems and, blech, being kind and caring if he knows he's not going to get anything out of it. The Nice Guy™ will promptly decide at this point that it's you who are at fault, even if you've simply let him know that you're not available at this time or that you just don't think you'd be a good fit. The Nice Guy™ actually feels on some level that it is your honor bound duty to give him something in exchange for the gigantic favor he's done you by being "nice." After all, how likely is it in a world of jerks and players that you're going to find another guy as "nice" as him? If you're interested in someone else other than the Nice Guy™, regardless of how nice the guy you're interested in is, the Nice Guy™ will blame you for falling for some jerk rather than allowing the Nice Guy™ to woo you with his sweet, soft, gooey center of "niceness."
•If the Nice Guy™ finds someone more willing than you, you will of course be set on the back burner and you shouldn't complain. After all, his niceness is only genuine when it's convenient for him or when he's dealing with the hot woman of the moment that his wandering eye is on. 
  •In their own mind, the nice guy/gal ™ is a regular Cyrano DeBergerac. They are poetic, romantic, lovely and engaging, yet shy, deep and, lest we forget--nice. If only this dater were to find that perfect someone who doesn't complain, never tells them they're wrong and who gives them a chance even when the nice guy/gal ™ is clearly not the person they're interested in's cup of tea. 
  •It follows that this dater is selfish, ignorant and self-obsessed in rather an ugly, shadow aspect way.


•When a woman tells the NiceGuy™ no thanks or appears otherwise disinterested in him, the NiceGuy™ is thankfully able to trot out the convenient excuse that "all women (this excuse really is specific just to women) prefer jerks/bad boys" in order to avoid any introspection or the potential that they might have to take actual responsibility for their part in the interaction or worse yet, that they might have to acknowledge that said woman actually isn't interested in them all on the NiceGuy™'s own merit when it has absolutely nothing to do with that woman wanting a bad boy. This sort of lazy excuse making and avoidance is stubborn, immature and short sighted and sadly it's used by men who may actually have some degree of niceness tucked away somewhere. This line of thinking is also extremely misogynistic as it immediately discards the notion that the woman, of her own free will and barring any outside influences has actually decided that she simply isn't interested in the NiceGuy™ and happens to have the wherewithal and confidence to know that she has every right to choose who she does and doesn't talk to, date, have sex with, open up to or spend time with. 
  •Since everything is always about the NiceGuy™, any rejection, either real or perceived will be forever written into Mr. Nice Guy™'s personal narrative as well as their narrative about you and about the female sex at large. 
  •It is important to note that the selfishness of this dater is usually unintentional, but stems from a lack of emotional maturity and an appropriate locus of control in addition to the obvious factor here, which is misogyny and a patriarchal worldview. This doesn't mean that you can or should attempt to fix them, as that in and of itself is an inherently disrespectful and useless way to view and to deal with people. What you should do is make note of this and feel sorry for them if you're able. This type of dater (the NiceGuy™) will never find true happiness until they grow up and learn to take real responsibility for their actions and start working on genuine self-improvement instead of blaming others for their problems. It is important to remember that being genuinely nice and being nice simply because you expect a reward are NOT the same thing.

*The good news is that those who are suffering from Nice Guy™ syndrome are completely able to change that state of affairs. Some simple ways to do this are to:

•Check your unhealthy thoughts. When you start thinking about women as objects or attributing characteristics to women at large (i.e. bitches be crazy), you need to remind yourself or have someone you trust remind you that this is an unhealthy and untrue way of thinking. Instead of blaming a diverse and vibrant cross section of people for something unpleasant you feel you've experienced with one person, you can give yourself an internal reality check. Some good questions to ask during this reality check are:


  •What could I have done differently during this interaction?

  •Was the person in question being honest upfront and genuine with me? If so, why does that make me angry/upset?

  •Did I actively listen to what the wo/man in question had to say? Did I otherwise allow this person's actions to tell me something valuable rather than simply being angry and not giving them any consideration?

 •Am I ignoring signals that have been sent my way?

 • Do I care about this person in a genuine and deep manner?

•What draws me to this person?

•Do I have anything in common with this person?

•Is there any reason this person should be interested in me barring my "niceness?"

•Why am I interested in the person? If lots of women were falling all over me right now, what would set this particular person apart for me?
•Many people may be interested in this person. Why should they pick me?
•Am I looking for someone to be on my arm and fill my needs, or am I looking for another fully developed individual to get to know, be there for and allow to be there for me?

•Have I been fully present during any and all interactions with this person? If so, what is their body language telling me about their level of potential interest?
•Am I able to distinguish signs of being uncomfortable from signs of genuine interest? Women are often taught to act demurely and nicely and to let men down easily. It can be a very uncomfortable situation indeed for a woman to have to field interest from someone who is being too familiar with her or isn't getting the picture that she's not interested.

•Does the person in question seek out interactions with me (a work associate, client or customer might HAVE to seek out interactions with you and the things you're interpreting as signs of interest could actually be signs of embarrassment and extreme  signs of being uncomfortable--blushing, looking away, angling their feet or body away from you, smiling and looking away, rubbing at their face, scratching something, a nervous smile or pursed lips, tucking the hair behind the ear, etc.)?

•Am I making this person uncomfortable?

•Have I been 100% straightforward, upfront and honest with this person about my intentions?

•Have I given this person the opportunity to say either "yes" or "no" to having me in their life without trying to influence the situation in a transactional manner (i.e. giving them things, doing things for them, complimenting them and otherwise trying to ingratiate myself to them)?

•Are the things I've said or done with this person two-sided (i.e. allowing this person to pick the subject of discussion once in awhile, allowing this person to reach out to me now and again, allowing this person to be there for me, hang out with me, etc.) or am I engaging in transactional, one-sides behaviors like gift giving, giving inappropriate or too personal compliments, making misogynistic observations (i.e. "smile," "a beautiful girl like you shouldn't cry," "[insert cheesy, impersonal pickup line here]"), jumping to do favors, take her/him out and "impress" them, "help" with things, etc.?

•If this wo/man rejects me, will I still think they're worthy of my friendship without thought of a future sex or dating relationship?

•If this person isn't interested in me, am I capable of moving on or will I start hounding them again at the first whiff of desperation and/or perceived "loneliness" on their part?

•Is acting in a way that gives away my power and dignity helping me in any way?

•Do wo/men enjoy being hounded, harassed, or bothered by someone who is pretending to be their friend in order to get something from them? Would I enjoy being treated that way by someone else?

•Am I really in search of friendship or am I looking for something else?

•What does real friendship mean to me? What might it mean to them?

•Am I acting like a true friend?

•Could my behavior be construed as irritating, annoying or harassing?

•Is it likely that this person knows I'm interested?

•Has this person said anything to me about loving me like a brother, only wanting to be friends, not being interested in a relationship at this time or not being sexually attracted to me? If so, am I respecting that, or am I waiting around for potential future opportunities and inherently not respecting their boundaries and being dishonest to them by doing so?

•What behaviors, limiting thoughts and actions can I change in order to be more genuine and true to my true self, my true wants, needs and desires? How can I reflect those things honestly and respectfully to those around me including the person I am interested in? What might be gained if I do? What might be lost if I don't? 

Thursday, June 9, 2016

"Maggie" Movie Review

"Maggie" Movie Review
                                                   (Credit: Credit)

Let me preface this review by saying that I have had my share of doubts over the years about Arnold Schwarzenegger's acting talent and style. Wait...did I just say "doubts"? Because let's be honest, I basically fucking knew-as did around 99.999% of the population that Mr. Schwarzenegger's success was at best a fluke and at worst a cruel, cruel joke being played over and over again upon an unsuspecting and sometimes undeserving public.
But...and here's where shit gets weird...since his return to the big screen after his stint as governator (can we all just please forget that in all of its sinister implications, icky revelations and lackluster "glory"?), I have glimpsed a side of Arnold Schwarzenegger that I was previously loathe to believe could've possibly existed. Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger has been hiding this side of himself from public knowledge, and here I am today testifying in the court of public opinion to the fact that it does actually exist! Arnold Schwarzenegger is a terrific actor!
 Arnold Schwarzenegger has apparently been woefully underestimated and horribly miscast for the past forty odd years. He is indeed, actually, a very talented actor. I am in complete and total awe at Arnold Schwarzenegger's acting capabilities. My world has been torn asunder! Down is up and up is down. The wolf is lying with the proverbial lamb, the leopard with the goat and all that other happy biblical shit. I actually saw an award worthy performance from both Mr. Schwarzenegger and Abigail Breslin in a small film festival movie called "Maggie" and the feeling won't leave me alone. This movie touched my heart. Truly. Both Schwargzenegger and Breslin were terrific, their performances outstandingly nuanced and visually beautiful to boot. In fact, the whole movie was visually beautiful as well as emotionally touching.
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 Several critics beat up on this particular movie a bit because it wasn't gory and violent enough for them to consider it a true zombie/post-apocalyptic thriller, but those people are probably the type that have only been reviewing Tarantino and Rodriguez films for the past two decades and have forgotten that although violence can be a useful tool, especially in genre and sub-genre films, there isn't often anything more to said movies. We have become lost in a world of cheap thrills, hypnotized by the possibility of being able to sit for two hours in a dark room and feel, but not think. A point can however be made in a movie without said moviemakers beating the audience over the head with constant and sustained literalism. A genre film/sub-genre film or action film doesn't have to be grandiose and super violent to get its point across. Maggie proves that such a film can actually be minimalist, artsy and beautiful, yet still manage to come across with the most desperate and inescapable sense of horror one can imagine.
 Maggie was a compelling film on so many levels and in so many ways. "Maggie" is a film that makes the viewer really consider what it's like to have to let someone go--to consider what a difference it makes when we let them go in the right way and at the right time. It perfectly conveys the sense of beauty, depth and tragedy inherent in such an act. It shows us every heart wrending side to the saddest of times. And yet...it reminds us that although life can be terrible, it can also be beautiful. It reminds us that some of the gravest and most meaningful beauty in life is that of autonomy, free will and strength and our ability to make our own choices in our own time and in our own ways. Maggie is understated, beautiful, deep, meaningful, thought provoking and compelling while remaining simple, straightforward and, well, horrible-in all the right ways. The point of this particular story is obvious, not because we are beat over the head with it, but because it is so achingly poignant and so unbelievably well acted and artfully shot that the themes and overarching lessons flow seamlessly from storyteller to audience at all times. Arnold Schwarzenegger gives a surprisingly beautiful, heartfelt performance in "Maggie." I've seen a couple of Arnold movies lately that make me question my assumptions about his talent. This is one of them. "Maggie" made me cry more than once. It was beautifully acted by both Arnold Schwarzenegger and Abigail Breslin. I'd love to see them together again in future. If you haven't checked this movie out, do yourself a favor and watch it,
but go in with no expectation but to be amazed. I told you shit would get weird...but somehow it did so in all the right ways. Kudos to Arnold Schwarzenegger. After years of duds, fun, campy action
films and cringeworthy dialogue, you have made a believer out of me. I'm genuinely looking forward
to seeing what your acting future holds.

First Question [podcast] Belle Gunness short show notes

​ Listen to THIS episode of First Question here! Born as Brynhild Paulsdatter Størseth Belle Gunness, nee Paulsen was born in Christiania, ...